Day to Day Life and Dialysis

The blog of a 26 year-old dialysis and liver patient in Memphis, Tennessee giving a day to day (or week to week... or whenever she feels like telling you) recount of the ups and downs of life at the moment.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Strange decision... maybe

Ok, I have decided to take both the GRE and the Miller Analogies Test to get into grad school. Some schools accept Miller but most accept the GRE. I know that I'll do better on the Miller Analogies Test because it has more to do with language and words. And I am pretty good with languages... I mean I was an English and Spanish major! I don't think that I'll have to work as hard with the Miller's test either because I am comfortable in my ability to decipher words and meanings. I am still trying to get over my math anxiety with the GRE and its going fairly well. I am better at math than I think I am. I just have to calm down enough to do the problems and not panic when I take the actual test. Anyway... I have to get some work done, even though it is Memorial Day Weekend. I don't really feel like being around people at the moment, so I may as well do something constructive rather than lie in bed all day and lament over the fact that my life has taken one hell of a fucked up turn over the past two years.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Just a little thought...

Life is funny sometimes. I am sitting here wondering why I keep running into the same person, but we never talk until he reads something that I write or he sees me in person. That is the only communication that we have. It's like neither of us exist in the other's world until we see one another. When I do see him it makes me think of the strange relationship that I had with him. It's kinda like reliving parts of it all over again (some good, some bad). Then I think about other idiotic things that he's said and done and I just shut down and cut off all contact, saying I don't need that in my life at the moment. And lo and behold the encounter happens all over again... I feel like it's becoming a bit of a cycle between us. We see one another, we exchange pleasantries, we talk a little bit, then I shut down. Repeat.

Of course, I am thinking of things that happened in the past, and am reacting under the assumption that he is still the same person, which may or may not be true. He may be one of the most wondeful people in the world, but I am not open to the notion of seeing and experiencing that "new" person... if he is that. In my experience people rarely change. I am sure is a great man to someone else. The thing I did learn from him is not to care what people think. They are not here living life with me on a day to day basis. They can judge me and whisper as often and as loud as the days are long, but in the end, my opinions and my decisions are the only ones that matter. It's funny because he is the exact opposite from me (at least that is my impression) because he relied heavily on outward appearances and the natterings of other people. And I must admit, I fell into that trap for a while. Law school does something to you. In the midst of striving to get to a certain level I began to lose part of who I was. I don't know if other people felt that way. I felt like I was in a cage with three hundred other people getting drilled everyday over material that did not interest me. I know I sould have quit before the second semester to keep what little sanity I had, but me being me, that was not an option. Maybe it should have been... and maybe not dwelling on the past should be an option at this point in time.

I think having gone through so much in the past year has made a lot of things more bearable. I can be cordial to people, I can tell people when they are getting on my nerves and speak my mind, I am more confident, and a little more outgoing, though I am still a bit of nerd who would rather sit at home and curl up with a good book than go out clubbing... of course if it has anything to do with jazz, then I am automatically there! Maybe I am limiting myself in many ways when dealing with the opposite sex, but I still think I have a lot to learn about myself. I don't really know what that has to do with anything, but that's my excuse for the moment...

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Bah Humbug

I think I am becoming a bit neurotic... It's about that time anyway. People are beginning to get on my last nerve. I think that I am just beginning to interact with more people on different levels and I am pouring more energy into dealing with these relationships rather than trying to keep my head above water as a dialysis patient. People think that because I have had a transplant that things can go back to being the way they were before I began dialysis. But they don't understand that I have to get used to the emotions attached to reciving the transplant, having another person's organ in my body, taking 26 pills every single day, and the changes that occur after the surgery. I mean my life literally consisted of dialysis three days a week for approximately two years. Now people think that I can and want to deal with the crap that is going on in their lives (ok well it isn't crap). I do not get paid to listen to people rant and rave about the things going on in their lives. That is the main reason that I write. I think part of it is that I have pretty much been the reliable sibling, friend, cousin for so long, that people automatically expected me to just melt back into the role. But having gone through everything that I have gone through, there is no way that I'm gonna be that person again. Maybe I am just being a little mean... ok I know I am being a little mean, but I am tired of people always depending on me. My therapist told me to take a trip (preferably out of state) to get away from everyone, but I don't really have anywhere to go. I think I'll just go and hide for a while and not tell anyone where I am... i think my mental health needs a long break!

Monday, May 21, 2007

7 Day Miracle Cure BS

I was watching this infomercial about this guy that said he'd found a seven day cure for all illnesses. On the screen it ran a ticker of all of these ingredients found in the beverage. It was funny because people were really buying into the fact that all you need is the concoction that he had come up with to heal serious diseases and other illnesses. I can see that in certain cases but one lady was talking about it being a cure for kidney failure and cancer. I have known people with cancer and I have have eperienced kidney failure first hand, and once these disease reach a certain point (as they did with my friend and myself) there is no way in hell a liquid cure is available for diseases such as that. You get to a point where the body can no longer fight off the cancer cells because they are growing too fast. And with kidney failure, once your kidney function reaches about 20% (give or take) your only options are a transplant or dialysis because the nephrons in the kidneys can no longer regenerate themselves. They begin to literally shrivel and die, causing the actual kidney to shrink as well. The host (and this is only my perception) would lead you to believe that the majority of manufactured medication is bad no matter what benefits it may have for a patient. And I agree that medications do take a toll on the body, both physically and mentally (believe me about the mental part because I am required to take over 20 pills a day as part of my immunosuppresant regimen), and that in some instances manufacturing companies care more about making money rather than providing a reliable product for patients. Then again, different people have different reactions to certain medications... who's to say someone won't have an adverse reaction to the concoction that this man is peddling. I also know that the American healthcare system leaves a lot to be desired, especially for poor minorities and the elderly, but having gone through all that i have gone through and having been blessed to have a wonder team of doctors, nurses and technicians (not all of them were great, but overall I think I've had the best team God could possibly send me), what he was saying was a bunch of bull. It was as if he wanted people to stop taking this and that and follow his plan blindly, no questions asked. At least with the doctors I had a chance to ask questions and my doctors included me in every aspect of my care. I don't know if that is a normal experience for patients here. I have heard many people complain about the standard of care they were receiving from the various team members they worked with. Even people who had the same doctors complained. I don't know if it was just my curiosity about everything that was going on, or what. I just asked so many questions until my doctors just automatically explained everything in layman's terms for me. I wonder if there are people who have bought into this guy's theory and swear by his concoction. I wonder what illnesses or diseases they are suffering from. I wonder if their diseases are acute (which occurs rapidly and unexpectedly and can normally be reversed if caught in time) or chronic (which is degenerative and occurs over a long period of time and is a bit harder to treat because it will eventually come full circle). I'm just a little curious about why they chose to buy into the hype...

a little chunky!

oh my goodness... I have gained twelve pounds over the past two months. and lets just say that i am not a zero anymore. i can't fit any of my clothes! my mom laughs at me because she thinks its funny and she's a little relived that I have picked up a little weight and kept it on. with dialysis it was hard to put on weight in any for (whether muscle weight or just plain fat) because the dialysis machine literally strips the body of any and all nutrients and minerals at the same time it cleanses the toxins from the bloodstream. and i could never tell if it was water weight gain (because the machine was not pulling all of the fluid that I had gained between treatments or whether it was actual weight gain). when i began dialysis i only weighed about 90 lbs. when i got my transplant i weighed 98 lbs. it literally took me two years to gain a total of nine lbs. (yes it took that long because my doctor always fussed at me about my weight but refused to put me on steroids, to which i say thank you!) the doctors and nurses told me that i would gain weight as a result of the steroids that i am taking as part of my daily regimen, but damn! if this keeps up, i'll gain another 24 pounds (an average of 6 lbs a month). i am scared to go shopping because I don't want to have to keep going every few months. I can't afford that at the moment. it's funny because I haven't been this weight since my first year of college. it feels good that I have put on a little weight, but I have never been more than 115 lbs., and right now I am seriously pushing it... maybe I should stop eating at two and three in the morning... of course i am a bit of a night owl and normally go to sleep at four in the morning. I have been trying to eat really healthy, but its a little difficult cause my parents eat a lot of processed foods and I must admit that I went crazy in the first couple of weeks after the transplant. So, now I have to start eating a little healthier. But every time i bring healthy food into the house my dad and my sister eat it! maybe i should get things that i nkow they won't eat... lol no, i'm glad that they are eating healthier and being open to new foods (cause they are some hard sells)! I guess I should buy in bulk when i get foods. anyway... i have to go drink some water cause my stomach is telling me to go to the kitchen and get a bowl of cereal or something. water... water...water... i can do it ... i hate water when i am sick!

In trouble?!

I've had my first cold as a transplant patient and let me tell you it has not been fun. It has been kicking my butt. I've had it a little over a week and me and my mom got sick about the same time (thanks to my brother, his friend, and girlfriend) but she seems to be pretty much over it. I have to constantly check my temperature to ensure that I am not showing signs of a fever. My doctor told me to that if I get a fever to call him immediateky, which scared me because we all know that I am nothing more than a big chicken!! So I have been lying in bed for the past few days which hasn't been bad because it gave me time to think of another short story... which God knows I didn't need another short story idea cause I am already working on two of them. Anyway, I believe this is will be much better than the two I had alreadt begun.

In other news I got to see a really nice jazz trio on Saturday, in the midst of my illness. I probably shouldn't have gone anywhere cause I was hurt when I got home. My best friend got mad at me cause she said I took a guy that she had been eyeing all night. Of course I'd been telling her to talk to him all night but would she listen? No! Anyway, as the evening was winding down he said hi and I greeted him back. Then he asked if she and I were in high school and I gave him a crazy look. Then he rephrased it and said well, I know you're not in high school cause you're at a jazz concert, then he said college. I laughed and told him I was 27. It was all downhill from there. My girl had been off taking a photo with one of the members of the jazz trio, so I thought it was ok to talk to him (well cordially at least seeing that I am not in the market and a fifty something saxophonist had already made my flesh crawl that night) until she came over. I just stood there and spoke to him for a few moments until she came over. I introduced the two of them and then he asked my name and I told him. All of us started talking (the guy my friend wanted to talk to, the bass player, and the two of us) about Memphis and some other small talk. She mentioned her birthday and I asked her what we were doing for her birthday. She said that I knew what she wanted and I asked her how I was supposed to get her a man and i couldn't get one for myself. Why did I say that? The guy in the suit (the guy she wanted to talk to) asked me whether or not I was mean and I told him yes. And commenced to tell him what I wouldn't tolerate from men, and she did the same. So we talked a little longer and I am goofy anyway, she said I was flirting but I don't think I was. I was just talking. But at the end, we ended up exchanging numbers (all of us) and as soon as we left she told me I took her man. It was funny. Before we even made it home she had come up with this florid tale about what "really" happened and she had me in stitches. I told her I didn't care what she told people as long as it was truly embellished it. That was funny. But I think she was a little upset because she called me later and told me that she wasn't mad just a little surprised because our tastes don't usually overlap. Which they don't. But I didn't really see what the deal was, I have no plans of talking to him and told her that numerous times. In any event, lesson learned... maybe I'll date a white guy, I know she's not going for that!

Speaking of suit guy... he called and invited us to lunch and then commenced to tell me he'd show me what it was like to be with a "real man." That was funny... if you're a real man then you shouldn't have to tell me that. You'd just show and I pick up on it... makes me wonder...

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Huh?

the other night I went out with a friend and it was proably the weirdest night I have had in a while. everywhere I looked there were women who were half-naked and men looked as if they were in a candy store. women were half naked, with super straight hair, and trendy clothes and makeup and jewelry. they pulled out all the stops to make themselves more attractive to the opposite sex. it was kind of funny, but it also made me very self conscious of who i am because I have always tried to be myself. i mean i didn't exactly fit in with my naturally curly and quite unruly hair, my hippie style earthtoned dress, and no makeup, only a freshly washed face and lip gloss. it's not that I don't care how i look, i just like being comfortable and I love things that are natural, and i think my character screams natural. yes, I have some outfits that are trendy but in a classic sort of way. i hate keeping up with new styles because it means that you have to go shopping every year (which, yes, you should do) but I would rather have clothing that can be worn season after season: nice slacks and shirts, halters and tube tops (scream summer), and all of the other "necessities" that a woman should have in her closet, well at least according to my modeling instructor. (Yeah, I only went because my parents wanted me to be more lady like... I was a huge tomboy!!) So, those are the things that I keep on hand at all times.

I think going out that night made me question who I am as a person. it made me wonder if I am doing right by myself, if i should just be like everyone else and try to attain the image that society wants me to have as a woman. and I know how to do all of the things to make myself look like a model, if I wanted to. but then i think about it and realize that it would not make me happy to do what other people do or think I should do. I have spent too much time focused on other people and decided a while ago that the only opinions that mattered were mine and God's. My parents don't have to like anything that I do, but I know that they will support me no matter what.

But anyway back to the club... it was funny because some guy came up to me and told me that I was educated (whatever that meant) and that he had not met a lot of educated people in Memphis. that took me by surprise and I asked him if that was supposed to a complement of some sort. he said yes! i was done after that! i looked at him and wondered why he chose me to attempt to talk to? I was the total opposite of most of the women in the club that night... in a pleasant way, I hope. but he was an idiot, so i guess it really shouldn't matter. I have issues with men. and he was not helping the situation in any way.

on another note, why is it that I keep running into this one person. i don't run into anyone else that i have had a relationship with (in this city anyway) except him! it is beginning to bug me a little. because he still the same person. I saw him a few weeks after my transplant when I went to hear a little jazz with one of my best friends. He passed me and I recognized him immediately but didn't say anything. I just kept one walking and talking to my girl like it was nothing. And damn if he didn't turn around and see me. he called my name and I looked up in feigned surprise and smiled. he asked me why i let him pass without saying anything, i lied and told him I didn't know it was him. we exchanged a few casual greetings and had a very short, cordial conversation in which I introduced him to my girlfriend and we went about our business... sadly we were headed to the same place. anyway, he didn't say anything to me while we were there. it was like i didn't exist in that part of his world but he sent me a text message, which i knew would be coming at some point that night. predictable!! he told me that i looked great and i indulged him for a moment until he asked me to lunch and that was that on that! i told him that wasn't a good idea and basically went on about my business. Later that night my friend said: I thought you didn't like him! I told her I didn't and don't but that doesn't mean that I can't be cordial. she said that i was a lot more of an adult than she was. she made me laugh. i think part of me is still stuck in the past with him, but the majority of me knows that he is not worth half of the time that I spent on him and that there is someone out there who will accept the quirky person that I am no questions asked. i also think i am unforgiving and harsh on men when it comes to relationships. ok... well i know i am. but i am unapologetic for that! what can I say, I am me! you either accept it or you don't. maybe i should have done that with him... whatever, i think he's afraid of too many things! i think men should be fearless, or at least fake it! that's all i have to say about that!

anyway... that's enough rambling from me for one night.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Since when...

I just watched the De la Hoya-Mayweather fight. It was an ok fight. I was a little taken aback with Mayweather's attitude. For some reason he believed that it would be a testament to his machismo to insult De la Hoya's heritage by sporting trunks and robes in the colors of the Mexican flag and a Mexican sombrero. Since when is it acceptable to exhibit such behavior in sporting competitions. I am all for the spirit of competition, but insulting, cursing at, berating that person, or threatening family hen of an opponent before a match, game, bout, whatever just seems childish to me. I was a little upset that Mayweather had the audacity to disrespect his opponent, and the Mexican culture in such a manner. I seriously believe that he would have retaliated with excessive force had someone attacked his culture in such a manner. Then again... I doubt that such things would actually affect a person like him. He is more than likely too wrapped up in himself to even think about such things. Anyway... that just jarred me a little, maybe because I have good friends who are of Mexican descent, or maybe I was just disgusted with Mayweather's attitude. I do not doubt that he is one hell of a fighter, I just feel he is way too full of himself.

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Thursday, May 03, 2007

The Alchemist (I read it in Spanish so it's "El Alquimista"

I recently read "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho. I've been wanting to read it for some time, but I had never gotten around to it. So, while I was in the bookstore the other day I came across the novel and decided, on a whim, to buy it. The protagonist in the novel would call that a "sign." And I sincerely believe that it is the exact novel that I needed to read at this moment in my life. It deals with the humanness of dreams, the strength and will to begin the pursuit of those dreams, and the nerve to follow through once the dream is within your grasp. And you do all of this even if the world is against you, even if people cheat and steal, even if you are lost in the desert, even if you are leaving the love or your life, and no matter how long it takes you must push on! You must find your personal story, you must do so in your own time, and in the midst of all of this you must find your own path to God. That is the beauty of the novel. It is a novel of expectations, let downs, stength, growth, love and understanding. I think, having gone through all that I have gone through over the past five years, this novel serves as a reaffirmation of my own dreams, my own strength, and my own connction with God. If you have never read a book, if you hate to read, if you speak a language other than English (or Portuguese since the author's native language is Portuguese), if you have done nothing in your life, if you never do anything in your life, READ THIS NOVEL!!! It is well worth it! I hope that it enlightens you as much as it has me.

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