The Stigma of "Rejection"

The past week has been a little scary. When deciding upon the transplant path, I knew that there would be risks and uncertainty. I feel like the past few days have plastered fear and uncertainty on whatever billboard exists that announces my life. For now its only word: REJECTION! The "rejection episode" is scary as hell, partly because my doctors still have not pinpointed the initial cause of my kidney disease and partly because my body, apparently, doesn't play well with the mix of immuno-suppressants I am taking. There are still a number of things that can be done in order to fix the problem, so it may not actually be a "rejection episode." Its just the term that doctors use, but when you are the transplant recipient, that is the one word that you most fear... well that and death. All of this has really kind of brought me back down to earth (yes, I do tend to live with my head in the clouds more often than not... then again, I am a Pisces). I know that I have an exceptional support system in my transplant team, family and friends, but at the same time, but in the back of my mind there always lurks the "what if..." What if I begin to get sick again? What if the doctors can't fix the problem? What if the kidney rejects and goes into outright failure? What if I have to begin dialysis again? What if...

I try to be positive, but its hard when you have to deal with the very real possibility that your new organ, your second chance at life, may reject. It almost makes me feel that life itself is rejecting me, that maybe I was never meant to be in this world long at all. And it that is the case, it also makes me wonder whether or not I will impart enough knowledge on someone else so that they know about kidney disease and organ and tissue donation. Am I carrying a much needed message to others, or does it end here with me and this organ from an unknown individual.

Having kidney failure has always made me think of my own mortality (ok... well the two years since I was diagnosed with it). My friends are getting married and starting families, furthering their professional careers, making great plans for the near future and here I am trying to figure out what my next step would be. I feel like everyone else has surpassed me and I must now play an exhausting came of catch-up to everyone else.

I had so many plans for my future and now I feel like I am stuck on a huge puddle of quicksand, sinking slowly. The fact that I no longer struggle to understand why this happened to me has helped a little, but I still feel like I am sinking. There were so many things that I should have accomplished that I have not. And I admit that a lot of it is my own fault because I gave up. I refused to help myself. I figured it would be better to be resigned to my fate like everyone else I had met who suffered from the disease. Then somebody slapped me back into reality.. ok well a whole lot of people did, some figuratively and a few literally. I didn't think they could understand half of what I was going through (am going through...) but then I realized that we all have some major struggles to overcome, I think I had a few more than some people and less than others, so maybe somewhere in the universe it all balances out.

I guess it is good, in a way, that I hold the people closest to me to such standards as to want to measure up to them. They give me a tug... or a push when I need it. Its almost like they've tied a rope around me and told me to move. They have anchored it, but I must do the majority of the work. Maybe it will make me even stronger. Scratch that, I know it will. Now I just have to get over the word "rejection!" When people tell you that... in any scenario, it automatically makes you think the worst. But in this particular scenario, it isn't all that bad, it just means that we have to work a little harder to find the right individual balance. I hope we find it soon because this whole situation is making my blood pressure go up! Think positive thoughts... Think positive thoughts... Think positive... Think... screw this, I'm going to get some ice cream. That makes everything better!