Thanks to Darlene Gardner

I would like to thank you Darlene for allowing me to be a part of something you created and for helping to spread the word about kidney failure, dialysis, and organ and tissue donation. Though you may not think of it as much, even if there is one person who learns about it, that moves the entire process one step forward! Thanks a lot!

The Stigma of "Rejection"

The past week has been a little scary. When deciding upon the transplant path, I knew that there would be risks and uncertainty. I feel like the past few days have plastered fear and uncertainty on whatever billboard exists that announces my life. For now its only word: REJECTION! The "rejection episode" is scary as hell, partly because my doctors still have not pinpointed the initial cause of my kidney disease and partly because my body, apparently, doesn't play well with the mix of immuno-suppressants I am taking. There are still a number of things that can be done in order to fix the problem, so it may not actually be a "rejection episode." Its just the term that doctors use, but when you are the transplant recipient, that is the one word that you most fear... well that and death. All of this has really kind of brought me back down to earth (yes, I do tend to live with my head in the clouds more often than not... then again, I am a Pisces). I know that I have an exceptional support system in my transplant team, family and friends, but at the same time, but in the back of my mind there always lurks the "what if..." What if I begin to get sick again? What if the doctors can't fix the problem? What if the kidney rejects and goes into outright failure? What if I have to begin dialysis again? What if...

I try to be positive, but its hard when you have to deal with the very real possibility that your new organ, your second chance at life, may reject. It almost makes me feel that life itself is rejecting me, that maybe I was never meant to be in this world long at all. And it that is the case, it also makes me wonder whether or not I will impart enough knowledge on someone else so that they know about kidney disease and organ and tissue donation. Am I carrying a much needed message to others, or does it end here with me and this organ from an unknown individual.

Having kidney failure has always made me think of my own mortality (ok... well the two years since I was diagnosed with it). My friends are getting married and starting families, furthering their professional careers, making great plans for the near future and here I am trying to figure out what my next step would be. I feel like everyone else has surpassed me and I must now play an exhausting came of catch-up to everyone else.

I had so many plans for my future and now I feel like I am stuck on a huge puddle of quicksand, sinking slowly. The fact that I no longer struggle to understand why this happened to me has helped a little, but I still feel like I am sinking. There were so many things that I should have accomplished that I have not. And I admit that a lot of it is my own fault because I gave up. I refused to help myself. I figured it would be better to be resigned to my fate like everyone else I had met who suffered from the disease. Then somebody slapped me back into reality.. ok well a whole lot of people did, some figuratively and a few literally. I didn't think they could understand half of what I was going through (am going through...) but then I realized that we all have some major struggles to overcome, I think I had a few more than some people and less than others, so maybe somewhere in the universe it all balances out.

I guess it is good, in a way, that I hold the people closest to me to such standards as to want to measure up to them. They give me a tug... or a push when I need it. Its almost like they've tied a rope around me and told me to move. They have anchored it, but I must do the majority of the work. Maybe it will make me even stronger. Scratch that, I know it will. Now I just have to get over the word "rejection!" When people tell you that... in any scenario, it automatically makes you think the worst. But in this particular scenario, it isn't all that bad, it just means that we have to work a little harder to find the right individual balance. I hope we find it soon because this whole situation is making my blood pressure go up! Think positive thoughts... Think positive thoughts... Think positive... Think... screw this, I'm going to get some ice cream. That makes everything better!

In focus:-)

The past week has been pretty good, except for a few drawbacks, which, I have realized, are to be expected. The transplant is going well. My doctors say that I am still having issues with my prograf levels (one of my immuno-suppressants), but other than that, things are going well. I talked to my doctor about becoming a vegetarian and she gave me some wonderful advice (I think she is also a vegetarian), which is making the transition a little easier. I thought it would be harder than it is, but because I had to do so much research and label reading with my dialysis diet, I was prepared to deal with some of the obstacles that will come with vegetarianism. She also gave me some great advice about how to get the proteins that I will need since I will no longer be eating meat. I think my diet has been pretty healthy, especially with being on dialysis. I see it as an opportunity to begin cleansing myself both inside and out.



My grandmother always seems to keep me grounded and focused, even when my parents don't, and I need that. It's funny because she seems to know when I need her advice, which is uncanny to me. I have also taken up yoga again. It was a little hard to do while I was on dialysis, especially because my instructor held class on days that I had dialysis. I tried to go to class on a number of occasions, but I had to quit because I almost passed out. Now that I have put on damn near twenty pounds, I think I can handle it.



I am pretty much all set to begin the application process for attending graduate school. I am still studying for the GRE, but the MAT is a little easier because it involves words, literary figures, and the like, and I am fairly well read. I looked at the curriculum in the Spanish department for a few schools and realized that I had already read and studied in depth most of the materials in the syllabi. That made me feel more than blessed because my Spanish (and English for that matter) professors were (and are) top notch. I feel they prepared me for virtually anything from law school, to graduate school, to teaching. Whatever I could have imagined doing with my life, they prepared me for it.



I feel like I can see the rest of my life sitting at the edge of the metaphorical horizon, waiting patiently for me. From where I am standing, it still looks like it will take a while for me to reach it, but I feel that once I begin to traverse the distance, it will not be as long or as arduous as I think it will be. In the back of my mind, I feel like the worst may, in fact, be over. At the same time I really don't want to let my guard down too much in the event that something else happens. But whatever happens, I know that I can get through it. I've made it through dialysis, I've made through a transplant, I am traversing my way through the "after-transplantation" jungle. I feel like I have a strength that can carry me any and everything, and that is wonderful because there is no way that I had it while I was in law school. I don't think I would have the resolve that I have now without having gone through dialysis. I think God has us experience certain traumas in order to show us our own potential, to give us glimpses of the person that we are to become. And I must say, I kind of like what I see. I am no longer the scared, soft-spoken person that I was. I have more fight in me, more strength. And that is a great sign. So, I am preparing to take the first steps toward the life, the series of events, that patiently await me at the edge of the horizon. With that step, I can only wonder if I have adequately prepared for this particular journey...