Just a little thought...

Life is funny sometimes. I am sitting here wondering why I keep running into the same person, but we never talk until he reads something that I write or he sees me in person. That is the only communication that we have. It's like neither of us exist in the other's world until we see one another. When I do see him it makes me think of the strange relationship that I had with him. It's kinda like reliving parts of it all over again (some good, some bad). Then I think about other idiotic things that he's said and done and I just shut down and cut off all contact, saying I don't need that in my life at the moment. And lo and behold the encounter happens all over again... I feel like it's becoming a bit of a cycle between us. We see one another, we exchange pleasantries, we talk a little bit, then I shut down. Repeat.

Of course, I am thinking of things that happened in the past, and am reacting under the assumption that he is still the same person, which may or may not be true. He may be one of the most wondeful people in the world, but I am not open to the notion of seeing and experiencing that "new" person... if he is that. In my experience people rarely change. I am sure is a great man to someone else. The thing I did learn from him is not to care what people think. They are not here living life with me on a day to day basis. They can judge me and whisper as often and as loud as the days are long, but in the end, my opinions and my decisions are the only ones that matter. It's funny because he is the exact opposite from me (at least that is my impression) because he relied heavily on outward appearances and the natterings of other people. And I must admit, I fell into that trap for a while. Law school does something to you. In the midst of striving to get to a certain level I began to lose part of who I was. I don't know if other people felt that way. I felt like I was in a cage with three hundred other people getting drilled everyday over material that did not interest me. I know I sould have quit before the second semester to keep what little sanity I had, but me being me, that was not an option. Maybe it should have been... and maybe not dwelling on the past should be an option at this point in time.

I think having gone through so much in the past year has made a lot of things more bearable. I can be cordial to people, I can tell people when they are getting on my nerves and speak my mind, I am more confident, and a little more outgoing, though I am still a bit of nerd who would rather sit at home and curl up with a good book than go out clubbing... of course if it has anything to do with jazz, then I am automatically there! Maybe I am limiting myself in many ways when dealing with the opposite sex, but I still think I have a lot to learn about myself. I don't really know what that has to do with anything, but that's my excuse for the moment...