Day to Day Life and Dialysis

The blog of a 26 year-old dialysis and liver patient in Memphis, Tennessee giving a day to day (or week to week... or whenever she feels like telling you) recount of the ups and downs of life at the moment.

Monday, June 25, 2007

What is going on??

It has been approximately three and a half months since my kidney transplant. It has been going well, but there are people that think that all of the events that have occurred over the past three years somehow evaporate from existence. My step-father told me that I should stop thinking about dialysis about a month ago. I looked at him and walked off. There is no way that someone can forget being in a virtual hell for two years. He has this issue of not dealing with a lot of things head on, especially emotions. He also thinks that everyone should comport themselves the same way that he does. It's like no one else's emotions, thoughts, whatever, exists. Only the aspects of life that he, himself, "deals" with. And he isn't the only one. People think that because I have been given the gift of a transplant that everything is fine, that I really did not spend two years of my life hooked up to a machine that was supposed to help but probably did more harm psychologically than good. People think that I am obligated to go out, party or become some sort of social "butterfly" now. I was surrounded by people everyday for over two years. People who were on dialysis with me, nurses, doctors, social workers, transplant doctors, my family and friends asking if I was ok every few minutes. Once I had the transplant I consciously made a decision to be alone for a while. But damn if people don't think that I am being mean. I am not being mean, I just want to be left the fuck alone. I have always been a loner. I have depended on myself more than other people. Why would that change? Why would I not want to be the person that I have been most of my life.

People's perceptions of who I am always amaze me. I have been this quiet person, in the background, that would not think twice about doing things for others. But after dialysis, transplatation, major failures (law school especially), I am no longer at the mercy of others. And I think people, espectially some of my family members, are beginning to realize these things and its like they are trying to thwart this bit of a transformation. I feel like they want me to be the person that they could walk all over. But screw that. Right now, it is all about me and my needs and emotions at this point in time.

My world has revolved at a extremely slow pace. I think a few of the best things that resulted from the experiences were that I gained the courage to speak my mind and say no, I also realized what I am really good at, Spanish and English. Anyway, it is my turn to be selfish. And to tell the truth, it comes a little easier than I expected. I don't know why I didn't pick up on this earlier. It explains a lot about a lot of people I know... Hmmm... Anyway... I just needed to rant a little.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

here... i guess

I've been studying and trying to get ready for the tests that I have to take. I have some tests that I have to take that must be submitted with my applications, so I have been pretty low key. I also decided that I would like to learn brazilian portuguese, so I got a series of beginner's tapes and have been working on that. It isn't as hard as learning the first language (Spanish) is. I think it's because the languages as so similar and they have a lot of the same words. Keeping busy keeps me from focusing on the other crap that's going on in my life at the moment. It is also preparing me for all of the studying that I'll have to do once I get back in school. Anyway, let me get back to it.