Huh?

the other night I went out with a friend and it was proably the weirdest night I have had in a while. everywhere I looked there were women who were half-naked and men looked as if they were in a candy store. women were half naked, with super straight hair, and trendy clothes and makeup and jewelry. they pulled out all the stops to make themselves more attractive to the opposite sex. it was kind of funny, but it also made me very self conscious of who i am because I have always tried to be myself. i mean i didn't exactly fit in with my naturally curly and quite unruly hair, my hippie style earthtoned dress, and no makeup, only a freshly washed face and lip gloss. it's not that I don't care how i look, i just like being comfortable and I love things that are natural, and i think my character screams natural. yes, I have some outfits that are trendy but in a classic sort of way. i hate keeping up with new styles because it means that you have to go shopping every year (which, yes, you should do) but I would rather have clothing that can be worn season after season: nice slacks and shirts, halters and tube tops (scream summer), and all of the other "necessities" that a woman should have in her closet, well at least according to my modeling instructor. (Yeah, I only went because my parents wanted me to be more lady like... I was a huge tomboy!!) So, those are the things that I keep on hand at all times.

I think going out that night made me question who I am as a person. it made me wonder if I am doing right by myself, if i should just be like everyone else and try to attain the image that society wants me to have as a woman. and I know how to do all of the things to make myself look like a model, if I wanted to. but then i think about it and realize that it would not make me happy to do what other people do or think I should do. I have spent too much time focused on other people and decided a while ago that the only opinions that mattered were mine and God's. My parents don't have to like anything that I do, but I know that they will support me no matter what.

But anyway back to the club... it was funny because some guy came up to me and told me that I was educated (whatever that meant) and that he had not met a lot of educated people in Memphis. that took me by surprise and I asked him if that was supposed to a complement of some sort. he said yes! i was done after that! i looked at him and wondered why he chose me to attempt to talk to? I was the total opposite of most of the women in the club that night... in a pleasant way, I hope. but he was an idiot, so i guess it really shouldn't matter. I have issues with men. and he was not helping the situation in any way.

on another note, why is it that I keep running into this one person. i don't run into anyone else that i have had a relationship with (in this city anyway) except him! it is beginning to bug me a little. because he still the same person. I saw him a few weeks after my transplant when I went to hear a little jazz with one of my best friends. He passed me and I recognized him immediately but didn't say anything. I just kept one walking and talking to my girl like it was nothing. And damn if he didn't turn around and see me. he called my name and I looked up in feigned surprise and smiled. he asked me why i let him pass without saying anything, i lied and told him I didn't know it was him. we exchanged a few casual greetings and had a very short, cordial conversation in which I introduced him to my girlfriend and we went about our business... sadly we were headed to the same place. anyway, he didn't say anything to me while we were there. it was like i didn't exist in that part of his world but he sent me a text message, which i knew would be coming at some point that night. predictable!! he told me that i looked great and i indulged him for a moment until he asked me to lunch and that was that on that! i told him that wasn't a good idea and basically went on about my business. Later that night my friend said: I thought you didn't like him! I told her I didn't and don't but that doesn't mean that I can't be cordial. she said that i was a lot more of an adult than she was. she made me laugh. i think part of me is still stuck in the past with him, but the majority of me knows that he is not worth half of the time that I spent on him and that there is someone out there who will accept the quirky person that I am no questions asked. i also think i am unforgiving and harsh on men when it comes to relationships. ok... well i know i am. but i am unapologetic for that! what can I say, I am me! you either accept it or you don't. maybe i should have done that with him... whatever, i think he's afraid of too many things! i think men should be fearless, or at least fake it! that's all i have to say about that!

anyway... that's enough rambling from me for one night.