A day in the life of...

Can I pretend to be someone else for the next twenty four hours? Pretending to be me is too damn hard at the moment!!

Life at the moment...

This week has been a little sad. My best friend's grandmother died recently and she was present during the resuscitation attempts. She took it surprisingly well, in a manner that was near stoic. She was calm and collected, where I would have curled up in the fetal position and cried until I couldn't breathe. At least that's what I think I would do. I didn't do that when the doctor's told me that I had kidney failure. I didn't flinch. I just asked them what I had to do to save my life. Of course, I cried a few months afterwards when I had to go in for a second surgery two months after the first. That's when the depth of the situation hit me. But I allotted myself the time to grieve the loss of my health and, essentially, a part of my life. I think maybe she will be the same way. And when she realizes that may need that time, I will be there for her just like she was for me. But she has lost someone who was very dear to her. I can regain, at least, a fraction of my health. Her grandmother will never come back, but she has some great memories of her grandmother. I haven't lost anyone in my adult life, so I really can't recall the emotions that come with the loss of a loved one. Many people have succumbed to dialysis and many of the diseases and afflictions that were either a result of or a catalyst to the kidney disease itself. But those losses affect me on a completely different level. I have few memories of most of the people who have died. I only knew most people's first names and their face... I only knew them as other dialysis patients, as people battling the same disease that I am battling. I see what I could become after so many years on dialysis (which scares the hell out of me). I have watched people walk into the center one week, be confined to a wheelchair the next, and then within a week or two seeing the white sheet of paper with two lines simply stating that so-and-so's family made a donation of some sort to the local kidney foundation. That is the thing that I dread most, seeing that letter sized sheet of paper, with those two lines in the middle, and the white space swimming around it. My pastor says the white represents the possibilities of a person's life, but that's next to impossible after you have watched them deterioate in a matter of a month or so.

Maybe we have learned to steel ourselves against such losses through some unconscious defense mechanism. I don't know... I do know that my family and friends mean more than anything to me at this moment. When life scares me beyond rationality, they have been there to slap sense back into me. And I believe me when I say that I need that quite often... at least once a week! I just hope that I have the same affect for them... Anyway... gotta watch my telenovela... yes, yes I know... but it's a wonderful guilty pleasure!

Sobriety

This week has been one of those sobering weeks. Four people have died this month (which is a bit uncommon for me), one gentleman will loose his insurance coverage because he is an illegal alien, and another gentleman completely lost his foot due to diabetes complications. Looking at all of this from my point of view made me realize that most of the things going on in my life are trivial. I spend too much time being angry and resentful over the most minute things. Yes, I am fighting for my life, in a sense, but I don't have to deal with some of the other medical problems that other dialysis patients have to. I am not diabetic. I do not have fluid restrictions. I can drink and eat most liquids because I can still go to the restroom. Most patients loose urinary function and so can only intake about 32 ounces of liquid each day. I have a handle on my high blood pressure, and most of the problems that came with the kidney failure are slowly, but surely correcting themselves (the anemia, bone disease, acid reflux, etc). I have not lost any limbs or my eyesight. And I have a support system that is out of this world encouraging me each day, even if they can't exactly understand what I am going through.

I have watched people completely give up and give in to the sickness. I remember with reverance those who fought to the last second. And some deaths were unexpected. I saw one woman one day and the next she was gone. I saw one lady on Wednesday and she was gone on Friday. It's scary because it was so unexpected. When I go home after dialysis, I expect to see the same people during the next treatment, but, apparently, God has other plans. It all makes me think about my own fallibility and whether I have or will live my life to the fullest.

Death is a very scary thing. I never thought I would be this close to it. It is different when you are young because you do not fully understand all that is going on around you. But when you are older, things sink in more. Death becomes more real, more concrete. It makes you appreciate the people around you. It makes you value relationships. It lets you know that things in life could be a lot worse, that God has, somehow, decided that being part of all of this is crucial to your growth and development as a person...

Been thinking...

I've been thinking about life and love and the future lately... pretty sure it was brought on by seeing him the other day. What if I end up alone, with my transplanted kidney, or kidney disease, or whatever... But what if I don't meet the man that I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with? What if I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life (however long that is). I love my space and being alone, but its nice to know that you have that person who makes your world that much brighter... and go through the entire Kama Sutra with from beginning to end, or 101 tricks that Cosmo thinks every woman should try with her guy!

I have never been so comfortable in any of my relationships to allow the bit of nympho to come out, to walk around the house in barely there underwear, or leave him messages that are inappropriate for the office on his business line... And I want all of that. I want a relationship that is trusting and uninhibited, one where I don't feel like I have to behave in a certain manner because I am dating that person over there. I want him to teach me things that I don't know, I want him to play with me and for me, I want to go to sleep next to him and know that no matter what comes our way, he will be there to protect me, fight beside me or for me if the case arises, and I want to be and do all those things for him. I want him to be my "Teacake" like in Zora Neale Hurston's "Their Eyes Were Watching God." I want to be free with him, but at the same time I want to be bound to him. I want a relationship that the two of us can just be in... People have so many expectations when it comes to relationships. That is more than understandable in the beginning, but after awhile it becomes ridiculous. I don't know about anyone else, but after a while it feels like I'm losing part of me to keep this person around. Maybe I have been going about it the wrong way... Maybe I should come up with a new strategy... Maybe I should just be... me... Hmmm...

Ya empezo...

Ok... I am not a soap opera watcher, but I must admit that I have been all into the Mexican telenovela "La Fea Mas Bella." Five days a week, every week, I am all about Jaime Camil and Angelica Vale (the two main protagonists), waiting on pins and needles to find out what strange twist will be thrown into their relationship. I love the fact that the telenovela deals, to a certain extent, with class, beauty and what it means to be truly beautiful. One of the most wonderful things, I believe, is that it deals with highly educated women. Now... I wonder if they'll create one with a terminally ill woman who doesn't die half way through the telenovela. I'd definitely watch that one. This is what my life has become... watching telenovelas and comparing and contrasting the probability and validity of them... damn! Well, at least in telenovelas there is an end and people can't come back from the dead after three years!

I've also realized that I am a bit of a hopeless romantic, that I would love to be swept off of my feet by some man, get married and have kids... though I will deny that if it is ever repeated!

Yeah... it's about time to take the GRE. My life is becoming a joke... more like a telenovela. Maybe I am afraid to go to the next step because I am afraid of failure. With telenovelas, everything always ends on a positive note, and we all hope that our lives end up the way we want, that we have fulfilled our dreams and met whatever goals we have set for ourselves. I guess maybe I should focus on one thing at a time, but I feel like I am limbo. The good thing is that people in my family are beginning to get tested, which I am thankful for. When my cousin called and said she would be first, I was ecstatic, and scared all at the same time. It just let me know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My doctor told me about a young man who went to medical school and was on dialysis, and that gave me some inspiration. It let me know that where there's a will there's a way. So, I am going to get my tests out of the way, and start applying to schools. I have an idea on where I want to go to school. I think I am going to work on my MA. I know I can handle that better than I would be able to handle law school or a PhD program, so that is my baby step.

LOL... who would have thought I would get all of that out a watching a telenovela... Como dicen... Ya empezo...

Baggage...?

Ok, so I decided to go out with my sister to the Southern Heritage Classic (a major college football game in this area). I needed a little excitement... or so I thought. I hadn't been there twenty minutes when I literally stumbled upon a guy that I used to sleep with (we didn't date, it was just sex... yeah, I know). It shocked me when I saw him, and I had to recover quickly, but apparently it wasn't quick enough. He told me that I was acting the same! Yeah, I thought to myself... how do you expect me to act. There was a whole lot about that relationship that I did not understand, and still do not.

I allowed myself to become consumed in that relationship and everything and everyone around me was screaming NO! But I was really not listening. And I admit that I am at fault for most of the things that went wrong with that relationship. At the same time, it does take two... I can happily say that I have learned a lot from that.

Anyway, that was a bit of a tangent... So, I saw him and it was just weird for me. He made me feel like I was a little kid and he was the adult (but he has pretty much always been like that for as long as I have known him). He sort of put me on the spot when he asked for a hug, and so I gave him a hug, but it was like I really did not want to touch him. So I gave him one of those light hugs where you really don't touch the other person, you're just hugging them as a courtesy. And then it just brought back a whole lot of pure, uninhibited dislike... verging on hatred! And that let me know that I have a few things to come to terms with where he is concerned. Part of it is because he was one of the first people to find out that I was sick, and he kind of made me feel like a leper. Everything just stopped. True, I had a mountain of things to deal with at the time, but its always nice when you know that people are in your corner. He didn't do that. My mom still thinks that he didn't know how to deal with the situation... I think it was a bullshit cop out, but only he would truly know that. I still harbor a lot of anger against him... Mental note: get over it!

Is that strange that I want nothing at all to do with the men I have dated/slept with? Few of my relationships have ended amicably (and that raises issues in itself). Once we are no longer in an intimate relationship, I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to know how your life is going, I don't want to know how you've changed as a person. It's like you don't exist in my world anymore. And I like it like that. I live in a city where I rarely run into any of the three men that I have dated/slept with from Memphis, and that suits me just fine.

Then again... one guy ended up being a bit of a stalker, and the other cheated on me... So it isn't like we'll ever be catching up and talking over a hot cup of tea. So, to an extent I believe I am justified in my actions.

It is high time that I erased him like I have the others, and move on with my life. I have more than enough to deal with at the moment. I don't need to waste energy on a person who can't generate energy to even think about how I am doing. So, this is it! Done. Next...!!

What is it with the judge/courtroom shows?

Why is there a proliferation of courtroom shows on tv now? And why are most of the judges minority men and women? Judge Judy is the only white woman I know of, and Judge Wapner (I think the spelling is wrong) before the show got a new judge, who happens to be a hispanic woman. It makes me wonder about the motives of the judges themselves. Are they simply riding the current of people's interests in such shows, or were there some political/career motivations behind becoming syndicated legal personalities. What were their records like before becoming tv judges? What will happen once they return to private practice? Will people take them seriously, or will they be remembered as "Judge So and So" from channel whatever? I know that they had to fight hard to become the judges they are, especially because most of them are either minority and/or women. So, it just makes me wonder if all they have fought for and accomplished is not in vain because they made the decision to be put on tv and seen by millions of people... or because the people who frequent the shows have some overly dramatic situation that allowed them to get their fifteen seconds of fame. I wonder if such things will stagnate their careers after while, or if they will even return to careers after having participated in such shows... hmmm... i was just wondering....

Why do we define everything... everyone?

Why do we, as humans, define the world around us? We define everything from our everyday relationships, what type of person we are, the types of people we are compatible with... there are a million things that we define. People look at my A/V graft and I am defined as a dialysis patient, or look at me and tell me there is no way I am from a rough neighborhood because I do not fit the definition of women from that particular neighborhood... Everything, everyone, every situation has some sort of definition. And I must admit that I have fallen into that unseen trap of wanting to define everything and everyone around me. And it annoys me when I do it. But it makes me wonder if anyone else feels as I do... I hate being categorized in this group or that group because people assume that I should be this or that because of some outward appearance, flaw, etc. I hate being simply a dialysis patient. I hate being the atypical black girl because I am bilingual, because I love to try different foods, music, cultures, because I am open to trying new and different things. Many people in my own family think I am strange because I am the way that I am, but my mom has instilled a lot of those values in me, so I wonder if they thought she was a little strange as well? I love being the person that I am, but I don't like the defintions that come with being who I am. I know there is no such thing as normal, but people have a way of making you feel extremely strange if you don't, at least, conform to certain ideologies. Maybe all of this speaks to the fact that I may be a little uncomfortable with either some aspects of myself or the world around me... I don't know... I do know that I am tired of people pointing out my differences, as if I already don't know that I have a graft in my arm, that I am dialysis patient, that I enjoy listening to jazz, learning to salsa, and reading classic novels instead of doing whatever it is that a 26 year old in this area does (which mainly involves drinking and club hopping). But why do people use such interests to define who I am as a person. Those traits only make up a small part of who I am. I am me, sister, daughter, friend, dreamer, then I am a dialysis patient waiting for a transplant, and whatever else people see fit to define me as. Maybe I am thinking too much about what other people think and I should just focus on me, myslef, and the things that are going on in my life at the moment...

Still here...

I'm still here! Things have been hectic this past month! I thought pre-transplant list testing was rough, man this is utterly ridiculous! I feel like I have to get every inch of me tested (inside AND out) from top to bottom! I know it's only to make sure that I am healthy enough to a) go through with the operation itself, b) that I am mentally ready for such an operation and the consequences and implications that come with it, and c) to make sure that once I get the transplant that I won't go do something stupid that will essentially destroy the organ (like drugs, drinking, not taking medications, etc). But I feel that my doctors know a little too much about me, my lifestyle, and my bodily functions (and yes, I do mean all of my bodily functions!) When I decided that I would get the transplant (yes, I'm finally ok with it), I knew that I would have to undergo a lot of tests, bloodwork each week and things like that. But I have been to about ten appointments over the past few weeks, and these do not include dialysis. And I haven't even gotten through half of the tests that I am to undergo. I am a little overwhelmed by all of it, but I also know that there is no way that I can continue going to dialysis three days a week for the rest of my life. I have too many expectations of myself, and the longer I stay on dialysis, the more I feel I have let myself down. So, I think I have to do this to make my life as normal as it can be (well... as normal as it can be for a transplant patient. I have learned that normal no longer exists in my world). Anyway, I have just finished dialysis, and I feel like I have run two miles and I merely walked up the stairs! I know that's sad, but its getting better. I have started exercising on the days that I do not have dialysis. But I am so out of shape it is ridiculous. I have a long way to go!