Baggage...?
Ok, so I decided to go out with my sister to the Southern Heritage Classic (a major college football game in this area). I needed a little excitement... or so I thought. I hadn't been there twenty minutes when I literally stumbled upon a guy that I used to sleep with (we didn't date, it was just sex... yeah, I know). It shocked me when I saw him, and I had to recover quickly, but apparently it wasn't quick enough. He told me that I was acting the same! Yeah, I thought to myself... how do you expect me to act. There was a whole lot about that relationship that I did not understand, and still do not.
I allowed myself to become consumed in that relationship and everything and everyone around me was screaming NO! But I was really not listening. And I admit that I am at fault for most of the things that went wrong with that relationship. At the same time, it does take two... I can happily say that I have learned a lot from that.
Anyway, that was a bit of a tangent... So, I saw him and it was just weird for me. He made me feel like I was a little kid and he was the adult (but he has pretty much always been like that for as long as I have known him). He sort of put me on the spot when he asked for a hug, and so I gave him a hug, but it was like I really did not want to touch him. So I gave him one of those light hugs where you really don't touch the other person, you're just hugging them as a courtesy. And then it just brought back a whole lot of pure, uninhibited dislike... verging on hatred! And that let me know that I have a few things to come to terms with where he is concerned. Part of it is because he was one of the first people to find out that I was sick, and he kind of made me feel like a leper. Everything just stopped. True, I had a mountain of things to deal with at the time, but its always nice when you know that people are in your corner. He didn't do that. My mom still thinks that he didn't know how to deal with the situation... I think it was a bullshit cop out, but only he would truly know that. I still harbor a lot of anger against him... Mental note: get over it!
Is that strange that I want nothing at all to do with the men I have dated/slept with? Few of my relationships have ended amicably (and that raises issues in itself). Once we are no longer in an intimate relationship, I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to know how your life is going, I don't want to know how you've changed as a person. It's like you don't exist in my world anymore. And I like it like that. I live in a city where I rarely run into any of the three men that I have dated/slept with from Memphis, and that suits me just fine.
Then again... one guy ended up being a bit of a stalker, and the other cheated on me... So it isn't like we'll ever be catching up and talking over a hot cup of tea. So, to an extent I believe I am justified in my actions.
It is high time that I erased him like I have the others, and move on with my life. I have more than enough to deal with at the moment. I don't need to waste energy on a person who can't generate energy to even think about how I am doing. So, this is it! Done. Next...!!
I allowed myself to become consumed in that relationship and everything and everyone around me was screaming NO! But I was really not listening. And I admit that I am at fault for most of the things that went wrong with that relationship. At the same time, it does take two... I can happily say that I have learned a lot from that.
Anyway, that was a bit of a tangent... So, I saw him and it was just weird for me. He made me feel like I was a little kid and he was the adult (but he has pretty much always been like that for as long as I have known him). He sort of put me on the spot when he asked for a hug, and so I gave him a hug, but it was like I really did not want to touch him. So I gave him one of those light hugs where you really don't touch the other person, you're just hugging them as a courtesy. And then it just brought back a whole lot of pure, uninhibited dislike... verging on hatred! And that let me know that I have a few things to come to terms with where he is concerned. Part of it is because he was one of the first people to find out that I was sick, and he kind of made me feel like a leper. Everything just stopped. True, I had a mountain of things to deal with at the time, but its always nice when you know that people are in your corner. He didn't do that. My mom still thinks that he didn't know how to deal with the situation... I think it was a bullshit cop out, but only he would truly know that. I still harbor a lot of anger against him... Mental note: get over it!
Is that strange that I want nothing at all to do with the men I have dated/slept with? Few of my relationships have ended amicably (and that raises issues in itself). Once we are no longer in an intimate relationship, I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to know how your life is going, I don't want to know how you've changed as a person. It's like you don't exist in my world anymore. And I like it like that. I live in a city where I rarely run into any of the three men that I have dated/slept with from Memphis, and that suits me just fine.
Then again... one guy ended up being a bit of a stalker, and the other cheated on me... So it isn't like we'll ever be catching up and talking over a hot cup of tea. So, to an extent I believe I am justified in my actions.
It is high time that I erased him like I have the others, and move on with my life. I have more than enough to deal with at the moment. I don't need to waste energy on a person who can't generate energy to even think about how I am doing. So, this is it! Done. Next...!!
posted by E. Brown @ 8:04 PM
4 Comments:
At 4:02 PM,
Spike Zee said…
What did you learn about the situation and why do you harbor those feelings towards him?
At 5:24 PM,
E. Brown said…
I learned that people are not always what you expect, or in some cases hope, them to be and that sometimes it is far better to let someone go than to try and figure out where he stands in a particular relationship, be it intimate or platonic or try to make him understand your feelings or why you are feeling them. I also learned that my own needs and emotions come before anyone else's. At the time, I wasn't really focusing on what I needed to be focusing on. I learned a lot about myself as well... mostly that I can be a crazy black girl, and that I am a good person, no matter how other people react or what they think. I am me, I am happy with me, and people should accept me as who I am. It's too much work trying to be someone I'm not!
At 7:08 AM,
Spike Zee said…
And I think most people have come to like you for who you are and not any other irrelevant reasons. You are a wonderful person, never known you to be anything other than that.
At 11:08 AM,
E. Brown said…
Thank you!
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