Been thinking...

I've been thinking about life and love and the future lately... pretty sure it was brought on by seeing him the other day. What if I end up alone, with my transplanted kidney, or kidney disease, or whatever... But what if I don't meet the man that I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with? What if I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life (however long that is). I love my space and being alone, but its nice to know that you have that person who makes your world that much brighter... and go through the entire Kama Sutra with from beginning to end, or 101 tricks that Cosmo thinks every woman should try with her guy!

I have never been so comfortable in any of my relationships to allow the bit of nympho to come out, to walk around the house in barely there underwear, or leave him messages that are inappropriate for the office on his business line... And I want all of that. I want a relationship that is trusting and uninhibited, one where I don't feel like I have to behave in a certain manner because I am dating that person over there. I want him to teach me things that I don't know, I want him to play with me and for me, I want to go to sleep next to him and know that no matter what comes our way, he will be there to protect me, fight beside me or for me if the case arises, and I want to be and do all those things for him. I want him to be my "Teacake" like in Zora Neale Hurston's "Their Eyes Were Watching God." I want to be free with him, but at the same time I want to be bound to him. I want a relationship that the two of us can just be in... People have so many expectations when it comes to relationships. That is more than understandable in the beginning, but after awhile it becomes ridiculous. I don't know about anyone else, but after a while it feels like I'm losing part of me to keep this person around. Maybe I have been going about it the wrong way... Maybe I should come up with a new strategy... Maybe I should just be... me... Hmmm...