I really do miss him...

Ok... so I went out with a friend after Thanksgiving and saw someone I haven't seen in almost two years. It made me want to cry. He has been with me through so much, and what he wanted I couldn't (or wouldn't give him at the time). He is the epitome of what every woman wants (or should want). He is attractive, a great listener, attentive, funny, passionate, the person you call when you're having a bad day, when someone hurts your feelings, or just when you want to lay around and eat pizza and ice cream and watch good movies. He is the person that brightens your day when he walks through your door and makes your breathe easier when you feel like you're suffocating. At the time he was what I was what I wanted from another guy... or so I thought I wanted it from that other guy. In a sense, I don't think I was willing to take the next step because I didn't want to lose him as a friend. In the end I still ended up losing him. Seeing him made me realize how much I miss him as a person, and that I must apologize to him. I miss curling up next to him and talking. I miss playing scrabble with him. I miss eating pizza from Coletta's and laughing. I miss everything that we did and shared together. It also made me wonder what would have been if I had not been so caught and blinded by the other guy. Wow... I have a lot to apologize for... If you would excuse me, I have a call to make... Somebody please pray for me!

Damn test

I spend more time daydreaming than actually studying... that can't be good at all! Man, I could have finished at least two novels by now, but I need more discipline in writing my thoughts out. At least I am trying though! Well, anyway... back to the daily grind. I think I'll be happy to get this maldito test out of the way. Less than a month now to take it... will I be ready?!

Untitled

Ok... where to start... I just watched the story about the 5 way kidney swap that occurred at Johns Hopkins hospital recently. That was truly amazing to me. It's called the donor kidney exchange program. Donors get tested for a specific recipient and if they are not compatible, then they actually donate the organ to another person who is a better match. And another donor who was not compatible with his/her intended recipient then is matched with another recipient, and so on and so forth. People essentially blindly donate an organ to a person in need, which for me is the acme of altruism. It is people giving, literally, giving of themselves to extend the life of a person he/she has never met. The problem... many people either do not know about the program or will not consent to an actual organ transplantation if the intended recipient is not a compatible match. It is wonderful to know that the program exists, but is a little disheartening that more actual donors will not consent to the transplantation process after they have been told that they are not compatible with the intended recipient. I am learning to be optimistic though, and believe that with a little more education people will actually follow through with the donation process. The transplantations are not done until the donors and recipients have each found a successful match. It isn't like the donor will end up going through the transplantation process without the transplant team having found an intended donor for the first transplant patient. I think that may be a misconception that a lot of people have. The other major issue is that the transplant team doesn't really inform donors about the program. The only time it was mentioned to was during a kidney education class that all potential kidney recipients must go through (at least here in Memphis). In most cases, the recipient is not accompanied by a potential donor but a supportive family member. I explained all of the options to my family members who were (and are) getting tested. But they all just look at me like I'm a damn fool. It the organ isn't going to me, then they are pretty much keeping it. And I am not surprise. I mean I come from a fairly poor, disadvantaged family. I am the "weird" one, but I feel that if I just tell a few people then it will become gossip and someone may actually listen one day. But it was refreshing to hear about the "kidney swap" because it gives a lot of us hope. And hope is something that kidney patients desperately need!

Today, I was at dialysis and I woke up to the patient next to me literally screaming. His legs had begun to spasm with cramps. I have never, in my life, heard a grown man scream like that. The only other time I have heard anyone in that much pain from a dialysis treatment was when one woman (not too much older than me) dissolved in tears when leg and arm cramps began moving up and down her body. But he was literally jumping out of his chair in pain. It scared the hell out of me because I was in a pretty deep sleep and all I heard was this man screaming and when I looked over at him, he just flew out of his chair. He always comes in with six to nine kilos (the equivalent of thirteen to twenty pounds of excess fluid), and once he gets on the machine he eats a biscuit sandwich and one or two moon pies, and drinks two sprites. It amazes me that nothing like this happens to him on a regular basis. We are normally told not to eat on the machine because it takes about three hours for food to digest and so the machine will not clean the impurities in the blood. It's like he's defeating the purpose of the actual treatments.

It is strange how people act/react to me. This morning at about 5:20 I arrived at the center and I went to the weigh area to get my pre-treatment weight and talk to some of the other patients, and one of the patients, Mr. Tate, gave me ten dollars. That stunned me. But he told me that he wanted to give me a blessing (which it is). I looked at him and smiled, and he told me to do what I have to do (regarding the GRE). It made me smile. I decided that I am going to make him a berry or peach cobbler for Thanksgiving. I think he'll enjoy it. And then Friday, one to the gentlemen at the center (I have no idea what his function is, I think he orders materials for all of the Davita centers in the area). But he came and asked me how things were going. I mentioned that I had been working on a book, and he asked how it was going. I told him well, but that I had put it on hold to study for the GRE, we talked for a few moments and then he went on about his duties. But as he was leaving, he woke me up to tell me goodbye. That made me feel pretty goood, though I still can't fathom why he woke me up! But that made my day but I think that is because if I could I would eat him. He's an attractive, older, white guy. But anyway, he made my day. Then I had to get up on Saturday and take a practice exam. That kind of set a somber tone for my weekend, but I made it through it!

And now the holidays are here. I realized the other day that I really hate the holidays, and I have for a long time. It all depresses me because I start thinking about when I was little, my life and where I thought I would be in life... and believe me this is not the place I imagined I would be. I am afraid of taking the next step because I am afraid of what may be in store. It's the reason I have avoided taking the GRE, and have avoided making other major decisions in my life. And everything seems to increase tenfold around the holidays. This year, I am going to try be positive and make the decisions that I need to make, take the steps needed to get where I need to be... maybe I'll let you know how that one goes...

My granny's leaving!

That last post was merely an observation! It wasn't really a rant against anyone... well, it kind of was, but not in an angry manner...

My granny is moving to New Orleans, Louisiana in January. I am sad that she is leaving, but I am happy that she has decided to make a move and do something for herself. She is moving in with my cousin (who's in his second year of law school) and his wife (who is a practicing dentist). They have everything set up, they are just waiting for her to decide the day that she is actually going to move. Yesterday she began going through her closets and her attic and discarding clothes and anything else that she has no use for. And she put me to work for the entire time that I was there! And I was trying to escape cleaning the house that my parents bought by going to her house! That didn't work! But it made me feel wonderful helping her prepare for a new phase in her life. My mom is excited and a little sad that she is leaving. She felt that she couldn't do enough to help her out, especially after a storm blew through Memphis and a tree fell over part of her house. My mom owns the house that my grandmother is renting, and after this year it will be paid off. My mom had decided that she was going to give the house to her. But my step-dad was supposed to help in the renovations and whatever repairs that the house would need. But my step-dad is an ass and tries to spite everyone, and it is no different with my grandmother. Her house in complete disrepair. Her washing machine is not properly connected, and the water drains onto her kitchen floor. So, when she washes clothes, it is an entire process, and it takes a whole weekend. The roof is not really stable where the tree fell. There are so many things wrong that seriously piss me off about the condition she is living in. And my step-dad has the audacity to barge into the house and demand that she pay rent when it is late. That pisses me off so bad. My mom keeps believing that he will say what he says he will do, but she knows that they are merely warmed carbon dioxide coming from deep within his chest. His words are poison. I think he thrives on misery and demands that he have company!

But my grandmother has decided to leave it all here. She has decided to live for herself and do things for herself that she has not done in a long time. She has raised her childre, grandchildren, and now her great-grandchildren. I look at her and see the weariness in her eyes. She is beginning to show her age, and beginning to slow down a little. But when she talks about moving, her mood changes. She smiles brightly, and her shoulders lift. It makes me want to cry to see her so happy!

All of this means that there will be no more Sunday dinners, no more spending Saturdays shopping, cooking, or whatever it is that she wants to do that day. I have been spending as much time as possible with her over the past few weeks. And it's fun. I have a really close relationship with my granny (me and the cousin in New Orleans are probably two of the closes of her grandchildren).

It all makes me wonder what will happen to my cousins who wholly depend on her for their sustenance and well-being. But it is wonderful that my granny has decided to make them fend for themselves. All of this will be a little hard for many people in my family to deal with. But as they say, they will get over it and make the best of their lives. Who knows... I'm only concerned about my granny, and I know that this will be a great opportunity for her!

I'm late. I have to get dressed! I would be late to my own funeral... maybe someone will forget the casket... or my body... who knows.

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts...

Thank goodness the Dems officially gained control of the House and the Senate... now I wonder if they have the integrity to do half of the things that have claimed to want to do, especially regarding increasing minimum wage to a standard living wage. I am a little anxious to see how the next few years will unfold. I wonder how Bush's last two years in office will unfold... will we ever have a definitive exit strategy for Iraq? I have so many questions!

Anyway... on to others news. Well... I don't really guess that I have any others news. I went to an alumni reception hosted by my college and saw some friends that I haven't seen in a while. Met a few nice people and some prospective students. Other than that not much has happened.

Why is it that people you don't really talk to... or have a relationship with for that matter, want to know certain things going on in your life? It isn't a bad thing... I guess. But if I cannot remember the last time we had an actual conversation that lasted more than two minutes, then why would you want to know anything particular about my life? I don't know... I guess that its just one of my quirks. If you want to know what's going on, then call me and ask me how things are going. I have so much to learn about people... I also have to learn the close my damn mouth... people that I least expect to read my posts have a knack for reading them and then commenting on them! Go figure (and boy have I gotten into some trouble!) But at least people know where I stand and how I feel and I am ok with that. And I do write some things that I more than likely, wouldn't say in person. So, I guess it all works itself out in one way or another.

Anyway... my bed is calling me. I have dialysis in the morning, and I already know that I will not want to get up at 3:30 in the morning. Bah humbug.

Do I really miss him?!

I am sitting here listening to John Legend. Lord knows if I could marry that man I would! Anyway, it made me think about a person that I (for some strange reason) have been thinking about a lot! Just kind of wondering what life would be like if he were an actual part of my life. Then I begin to think harder about it and realize that it would not have worked out at all because I wasn't the person that I am now. I would have been walking around like some scared little girl, crying inside because he somehow hurt my feelings! I have no energy for that now. I have learned to voice my opinions, concerns, and dislikes. And if you can't take it or don't want to talk about it then to hell with it. I'm done! It's funny that it has taken all of this to make me put my feelings, wants, and needs before any man's! I have to make sure that I am happy before I can make him happy.

Now Beyonce's "Irreplaceable" is playing and it just makes me realize that "I can have another him in a minute!" Lol! But I don't want another him... or anyone for that matter. I am content being alone and bettering myself. I am sure that once I am content with the progress that I have made then I'll be ready to let someone else experience the "happiness."

In other news my aunt is going to get tested tomorrow morning. She was so excited to get tested. It's strange, as more get people get tested, my family is becoming more and more willing to get involved in other aspects of the transplantation process. We are setting up a blood-drive for the transplant. And we are setting up some other fundraisers so that when the transplant actually happens, I won't have any problems with paying for medications, or anything like that. Getting all of this together is like having a job (but I'm not getting paid for it!)

Other than the aforementioned lapse in judgment, life is moving on about as normally as it can for a dialysis patient. Now... if I could put this much effort into preparing for the GRE! Just thinking about that damn test makes me sweat! And I don't know why, I know I can ace the test with my eyes closed! I guess I'm just a little anxious about the prospect of going back to school. My chest is starting to ache! Can somebody give me a shot of Patron! Ahhhh!!!!!!!