Lessons...
In the midst of any storm there are moments of clarity, moments when things become so lucid and crystal clear that you cannot determine whether they are real or figments of your imagination. In these moments you want to reach out and touch the world just to feel it, to make sure that it is solid beneath your finger tips. And when you touch it and feel the hardness of the world, you know that this is reality, that the soft, shallow sound that you hear is your own breath, the soft thumping beneath your shirt is your own heart. And as you take in the sights and sounds of the world around you, you realize that you are seeing and hearing your own life. It is beautiful and sounds wonderful. And as those two senses take in life at that one moment, the others begin to realize their own importance and worth and begin working feverishly to bring you the rest of the world. Smelling it, touching it, tasting it. This one moment gives you the strength to move on through the remainder of the storm because of that one clear glimpse of what life could be.
I am sensing life in that lucid moment. I am in the midst of learning. Learning about life, people, and myself. I have learned to put more trust in GOD and not to underestimate myself. I have learned to be a friends with a man and that labelling relationships is like attempting to label who I am or life in general. I have learned that I enjoy being a friend. I revel in the fact that people trust me. I am learning to trust people more. I have learned to trust myself and my instincts. I have learned to smile more. I have learned to both vent and tell people how I feel. I have learned not to internalize my feelings, that it hurts me most of all. I am learning to enjoy life and myself. I am learning to give to others and depend on other people for support. It's amazing what I have learned and am still learning.
I have always said that people come into our lives for a reason... of course, most of the people who had entered my life were teaching me lessons about humanity and I quickly learned to distrust most people. There were a few people who were genuine, but not many. It's amazing how the generosity and trustworthiness of one person can change years of distrust and skepticism. It is as if I have this brick wall around me and the people that are close to me move around the periphery never getting past a certain point. I am sheltered and protected at all times. But this one person came in and infiltrated area where I have kept so many people. Once that area was taken and that person realized that I remained guarded, that person picked up the smallest tool, kindness, and began to chisel away at the wall that I had built around myself. I did not feel the first cracks, as they were hairline cracks and did not cause much disruption in the wall. Little did I know that those cracks made up the foundation of the wall. The cracks are becoming larger and longer, causing the wall around them to break free under its own pressure. I can feel the wall where the wall has crumbled in some places. There is a cool, refreshing breeze that enters through the cracks. The breeze awakens me, letting me know that I have been missing a lot because I have been hiding behind my wall!
The wall is not completely broken, but I know that it is only a matter of time before it completely falls. And now I have a decision to make. Will I stand by and let this person continue to chip away at the wall, hiding until I am forced to come out into the light; or, will I somehow gather the strength to help this person break the wall and help in freeing myself. That is a hard decision to make because I am used to my wall. I am used to barriers, I am used to trusting and depending on myself. I am complacent with my wall. But I also know that the world outside of that wall has so much to offer. I can smell it on the breeze that blows through the areas in the wall that have already fallen. There are things that are sugary and flowery sweet, things that are bittersweet, things that are sour, things that are rank. All of these things drift on the air current, all of things peak my interest. I have experienced the rank and the sour. I know they are part of life. I want to know what the flowery sweet smell is. I want to experience things that are wonderful, that are nice, and cheerful. And the person breaking the wall brings glimpses of those things to me. So now, I have to determine whether or not I am brave enough to chase those things for myself... I am brave enough... I just have to figure out how to break the wall that I built from the inside! Hmmmm....
I am sensing life in that lucid moment. I am in the midst of learning. Learning about life, people, and myself. I have learned to put more trust in GOD and not to underestimate myself. I have learned to be a friends with a man and that labelling relationships is like attempting to label who I am or life in general. I have learned that I enjoy being a friend. I revel in the fact that people trust me. I am learning to trust people more. I have learned to trust myself and my instincts. I have learned to smile more. I have learned to both vent and tell people how I feel. I have learned not to internalize my feelings, that it hurts me most of all. I am learning to enjoy life and myself. I am learning to give to others and depend on other people for support. It's amazing what I have learned and am still learning.
I have always said that people come into our lives for a reason... of course, most of the people who had entered my life were teaching me lessons about humanity and I quickly learned to distrust most people. There were a few people who were genuine, but not many. It's amazing how the generosity and trustworthiness of one person can change years of distrust and skepticism. It is as if I have this brick wall around me and the people that are close to me move around the periphery never getting past a certain point. I am sheltered and protected at all times. But this one person came in and infiltrated area where I have kept so many people. Once that area was taken and that person realized that I remained guarded, that person picked up the smallest tool, kindness, and began to chisel away at the wall that I had built around myself. I did not feel the first cracks, as they were hairline cracks and did not cause much disruption in the wall. Little did I know that those cracks made up the foundation of the wall. The cracks are becoming larger and longer, causing the wall around them to break free under its own pressure. I can feel the wall where the wall has crumbled in some places. There is a cool, refreshing breeze that enters through the cracks. The breeze awakens me, letting me know that I have been missing a lot because I have been hiding behind my wall!
The wall is not completely broken, but I know that it is only a matter of time before it completely falls. And now I have a decision to make. Will I stand by and let this person continue to chip away at the wall, hiding until I am forced to come out into the light; or, will I somehow gather the strength to help this person break the wall and help in freeing myself. That is a hard decision to make because I am used to my wall. I am used to barriers, I am used to trusting and depending on myself. I am complacent with my wall. But I also know that the world outside of that wall has so much to offer. I can smell it on the breeze that blows through the areas in the wall that have already fallen. There are things that are sugary and flowery sweet, things that are bittersweet, things that are sour, things that are rank. All of these things drift on the air current, all of things peak my interest. I have experienced the rank and the sour. I know they are part of life. I want to know what the flowery sweet smell is. I want to experience things that are wonderful, that are nice, and cheerful. And the person breaking the wall brings glimpses of those things to me. So now, I have to determine whether or not I am brave enough to chase those things for myself... I am brave enough... I just have to figure out how to break the wall that I built from the inside! Hmmmm....
posted by E. Brown @ 12:38 PM
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