La Familia!

Family... can't live with it, can't live without it. My family. I love the members of my family... Lord knows I do, but I can't stand some of them. I can't stand the fact that two of my cousins take advantage of my grandmother and she allows them to. I can't stand the fact that they have kids but leave them with other members of my family for days at a time. That really burns me up because they have had the blessings to have children, and here I am having doctors telling me that any potential pregnancy could possibly harm me. That's love for you I guess. I can't imagine (nor will I try for fear that my mother will slap the taste out of my mouth) treating her in such a disrespectful and degrading manner. I am 26 and I still fear my mother (and my grandmother, but I fear my mom more). But I also love the fact that we have a stronger relationship than a lot of my cousins and their mothers. I thank her often for just being my mother, for rearing me the way that she did, for helping me to become a better person. I enjoy the fact that I am very close to each of my siblings, and though I've had some issues in the past with my dad, we are on the right track now.

I don't think that my cousins believe in forgiveness and second chances. I wonder if my granny knows that she really doesn't have to take their crap? I wonder if she cares, if she feels that it is her duty to care for her daughter's children because of her own mistakes, or if she feels that her granddaughters at least stood a better chance through her intervention?

I am confounded! My mom sat me down in high school and told me that if I did get pregnant, that we would handle the situation accordingly. That scared the hell out of me (can you see a pattern! I am a bit of a sissy!), so I remained a virgin until I was in college. There were too many things that I wanted to do with my life, too many adventures waiting for me! I don't guess my cousins got the talk about the "family curse." I think the curse is that the women in my family are extremely fertile... I can't see have a child, even if unwanted, a curse. My mom jokes about the family curse to this day. I have yet to determine the truth behind it personally. I have always protected myself to the point of overprotection (I told you I am a chicken). There is no way that I would want to burden anyone in my family because I made a mistake. I want to have close relationships to my children. I want to know that the only reason I would have to call my mom is to ask for advice. I don't want to put my kids off on her (like I said earlier, she'd hurt me anyway). I want her to volunteer to help me with my child. I don't want her to feel it is her duty. I want her to enjoy being a grandparent. I don't want her to have to raise her grandchild after she has raised her own. I'm sure that's how my granny feels some days... but she lets it go on. I often wonder what will happen when/if something happens to my grandmother. Will they be able to survive without her? Who knows! But life is life, and family is family. We all make our decisions and we must live with them, no matter what!

Ahh... Family! Gotta LOVE them! (And I do... I REALLY DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)