Indian in my blood?

What is the stigma that some black have with just being themselves? Many of us have European, Latin American, and even American Natives (they were here first) bloodlines, but few of us choose to wholly claim the one predominate ethnicity: African.

I went to a job fair today and one of the representatives made a comment about my hair and my features. He made a ridiculous gesture (similar to the wave) and said that I had "waves" going on. I looked at him for a moment, confused. Then he pointed to my hair (which is naturally curly and was pulled back into a bun). "The waves in your hair!" Oh. Then he said "You must have Indian in your blood." I looked at him and my mouth dropped. "What does that mean? Why do people say that?" He then attempted to explain that it was an old cliche that African Americans have about their bloodline. I told him that I understood. But I didn't... I don't.

I don't understand why my people don't want to claim their African roots. Why must we feed into the eurocentric view of who we are culturally, ethnically? I love being me. I love the fact that I don't look like anyone in my family. I love the fact that people of African descent think I am of the same descent by just looking at me (it kind of gives me a connection to Africa without having traced my roots to Africa). One lady came up to me and just started talking to me in an Ethiopian dialect. I looked at her for a minute and then told her that I am black. A look of embarassment came over her face and she apologized. We struck up a conversation and she informed me that she was Ethiopian. A few weeks later it happened again, this time a man asked me. He too, assumed that I was Ethiopian... maybe there is a pattern devoloping here... I love my curly hair, my full lips, and skin color. I love my dark eyes. I love my nose (though my little brother tells me that I have a white girl's nose because it is not flat as most people in my family, but it is pointed with a slight hump in it). Though I have traits that somewhat display my unknown ancestry. But when people ask me, I just tell that I am black. I am me, nothing more, nothing less! I embrace my blackness, and I also embrace the fact that there are other nationalities floating around in my bloodstream, but I do not put much emphasis on that small part of me. A lot of blacks do. I can't recount how many conversations I have had in which people voluntarily tell me that they are part Indian. How do you know that? What percentage are you? Where are the photos of your ancestors? Which tribe does your family belong to? I want to scream! Why do such things define us? Why can't we just revel in our blackness? Yes, I am something else, but my blackness is what the world sees. The world looks at my skin color first. "She's black" is the first thing the world says. After the world has categorized me, then it begins to take in my features. Then it says, "wait, her features bely other races." But I am still black, when they have finished categorizing me. I live in my blackness and I accept it, but I do not let it solely define who I am. There is a difference between accepting and living in your blackness and allowing yourself to be defined and confined your blackness.

I took me a long time to get to the point of accepting my blackness and living in it though. Maybe that's the problem. That many blacks here in the South hold on to the eurocentric ideals that have been imposed upon us for centuries and they are confined to those definitions. We have a need to be defined and categorized, to fit in nice, neat little boxes that a predominately controlled white society has created. I began to rebel against imposed definitions in high school. By the time I graduated college, I had masted the fine art of going against the current, of swimming upstream. I think that many of my people need to realize that there is a difference between being defined and categorized as black, and accepting and reveling in their blackness. To revel and accept it is to simply say "Yes, I am black. But I am also strong, educated, beautiful (and enter whatever other personal characteristics you may have). I am uplifted in my blackness! I refuse to forced into a eurocentric mold without the possibility to grow and expand. My growth and development will not be stunted!" To be defined and categorized by it is to say "I am black, and I fit neatly into one of many prepressed stereotypical molds. I want to fit into the overabundance of eurocentric stereotypes mixed with the somewhat gritty, sex laden "black" stereotypes that perpetuates our culture. I aspire only to what has been set out in those molds. I will have little chance to grow and develop, and I am okay with that!" (I am beginning to ramble a little here which means that I am really tired. I apologize if I am not making much sense.) I understand that there are factors that keep many of us from throwing off the shackles of the definitions and confinements that are forced upon us such as poverty, lack of good, solid role models, inability to access information and/or technology that will help us become more comfortable in our own skin. As I said, it is an uphill battle, but it can and should be fought. But I digress. Blackness is something that should be embraced wholeheartedly. There is something wholly wonderful and satisfying in being black. Yes, we have many stereotypes to shatter, racism to deal with, glass ceilings in the work place, sexism if you are a black woman such as me, but all of these things stregthen our character. Accepting and enjoying blackness is fulfillment and acceptance of yourself. No, I don't have Indian in my blood! I am me. I am black, pure and simple!

I also think that having a terminal illness has helped me to revel in my ethnicity. Most of the people who are on dialysis with me are black. I respect most of them, but many of them think I am a little weird because I do not fit into any of the predisposed categories that they have accepted. I listen to all types of music, I don't like watching BET (I liked it when it had a more political influence on the black community), I am a news junkie, I love latin music and latin dance, I love art and museums, I love poetry, I love long walks by the river and listening to the rain, I date outside of my race, I love African and Latin American history, I love travelling, I love just being, I love learning and I love teaching.... I love things that are atypical for many of the black people at my center. And the funny thing is that they are not atypical things for many other black people that I know. The crazy guy who won't take no for an answer once told me that I was the only person he knew who talked about things other than hip-hop and celebrities (I seriously think that was a lie... and it was after he told me that he loved me!) Maybe blackness for a lot of people at my center is completely different than it is for me. Maybe their blackness is the hip-hop, the gossip, and all other things that revolve around black culture. Maybe I am a little different, a little odd. Maybe that is what my blackness! I don't know. But I am sleepy now and I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning! (Ahhh!!!)