What am I doing?!
There are times in life when we wonder how and why we have come to a certain point, why certain people are in our lives, and how all of these elements will come together in the controlled chaos that is life. I am at one of those junctions in my life.
I know that people travel in and out of our lives, leaving their marks in some form or another. Most of the people that were moving through my life made me distrustful and cautious. I have met people who decided that my well being was not important and wanted to use me for various reasons. I met one man who told me that he just wanted to sleep with me because he had a significant other and knew that I would not want to be in a relationship as a result of dialysis. And I admit that I used dialysis as a crutch to drive people away, and most people allowed me to do that. It just so happened that I met a wonderful gentleman who put many things about my life into perspective... well, a better perspective. My family has helped me to shape many positive perceptions about my life and being on dialysis. He just let me know that there is no reason to be afraid to open up and get to know other people, that I had no right to assume that people would react in a certain manner because I am a dialysis patient, that I should at least harbor some trust in the opposite sex. In the short time that I have known both he and his son, they have helped to transform me into a being who enjoys life, trusts others, and gives her last to help others. I have always been a giving and caring person, but because of past relationships I have managed to lock that part of myself away in the smallest, most guarded area. For awhile, I misplaced the key. I refused to trust people, refused to even take the chance to get to know new people. I had become hard and cold as steel. No one was getting in and I was not letting my feelings out. I had bescome a real life Pandora's box, the only difference being that releasing the contents of the box would only cause major destruction to my own world. So I kept the key and the contents of the box locked and hidden. Then along comes this man and his kid and they, together have managed to create deep, long cracks in the exterior of the steel box (yes, I know steel does not crack, it is a metaphor people!). There is a part of my being shining through the cracks, radiant and ready. The light is warm and soothing for all of us. I have not felt my own inner warmth and radiance in a while. And it feels good, being happy and nice, loving and caring, wanted and wanting, living and being.
It seems that the fire-hot chaos that had become my life is beginning to settle down a little. it still burns, white-hot, but it has managed to create a uniform figure, it has learned to depend on itself, to bring its arms close and hug its own being. The chaos of my life is more organized. It burns brighter as it closes in on itself, but it keeps me warm and alert as it moves through its realm of darknes. I need the chaos that is my life to fulfill the dreams that I see. It lights my way as I move through the darkness, illuminating it. The chaos and the control push and pull against one another, taking and giving energy. This is exchange of energy is helping me to create a new being. It is wondeful and reassuring. Each day I open my eyes, my breath comes easier, I see cleared, the world seems colorful and bright, like this exact moment is where I am meant to be, nowhere else. This is my place... chaotic or calm, tumultuous or mundane... everything has its place and purpose... and maybe I am where I need to be...
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I know that people travel in and out of our lives, leaving their marks in some form or another. Most of the people that were moving through my life made me distrustful and cautious. I have met people who decided that my well being was not important and wanted to use me for various reasons. I met one man who told me that he just wanted to sleep with me because he had a significant other and knew that I would not want to be in a relationship as a result of dialysis. And I admit that I used dialysis as a crutch to drive people away, and most people allowed me to do that. It just so happened that I met a wonderful gentleman who put many things about my life into perspective... well, a better perspective. My family has helped me to shape many positive perceptions about my life and being on dialysis. He just let me know that there is no reason to be afraid to open up and get to know other people, that I had no right to assume that people would react in a certain manner because I am a dialysis patient, that I should at least harbor some trust in the opposite sex. In the short time that I have known both he and his son, they have helped to transform me into a being who enjoys life, trusts others, and gives her last to help others. I have always been a giving and caring person, but because of past relationships I have managed to lock that part of myself away in the smallest, most guarded area. For awhile, I misplaced the key. I refused to trust people, refused to even take the chance to get to know new people. I had become hard and cold as steel. No one was getting in and I was not letting my feelings out. I had bescome a real life Pandora's box, the only difference being that releasing the contents of the box would only cause major destruction to my own world. So I kept the key and the contents of the box locked and hidden. Then along comes this man and his kid and they, together have managed to create deep, long cracks in the exterior of the steel box (yes, I know steel does not crack, it is a metaphor people!). There is a part of my being shining through the cracks, radiant and ready. The light is warm and soothing for all of us. I have not felt my own inner warmth and radiance in a while. And it feels good, being happy and nice, loving and caring, wanted and wanting, living and being.
It seems that the fire-hot chaos that had become my life is beginning to settle down a little. it still burns, white-hot, but it has managed to create a uniform figure, it has learned to depend on itself, to bring its arms close and hug its own being. The chaos of my life is more organized. It burns brighter as it closes in on itself, but it keeps me warm and alert as it moves through its realm of darknes. I need the chaos that is my life to fulfill the dreams that I see. It lights my way as I move through the darkness, illuminating it. The chaos and the control push and pull against one another, taking and giving energy. This is exchange of energy is helping me to create a new being. It is wondeful and reassuring. Each day I open my eyes, my breath comes easier, I see cleared, the world seems colorful and bright, like this exact moment is where I am meant to be, nowhere else. This is my place... chaotic or calm, tumultuous or mundane... everything has its place and purpose... and maybe I am where I need to be...
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posted by E. Brown @ 7:53 PM
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