Life...

People have a way of making us feel insignificant and helpless. Why do people automatically decide that you are all of a sudden helpless when you have a terminal illness. If I do not see myself as helpless and in need, then why should you. That only makes me beleive that you are looking for someone to help, that you need some sort of symbiotic relationship to make yourself feel better in some way. The assumption that I am ill and must be treated as such only makes an ass of you (as one of my teacher's once put it). When a guy that I had been involved with found out that I have kidney failure and had subsequently began dialysis, he began to treat me as if I were completely helpless. He began treating me as if I were as fragile as a Faberge egg or other ceramic (though not nearly as costly). I have no idea why he decided that I was no longer capable of doing many of the things that I had done before I had been diagnosed with kidney failure. Whenever he spoke to me, it was as if I were helpless, as if I always needed something and he would be one of the many who would attempt to provide that something.

Since I have been sick, most of the men that I have encountered either get afraid of the prospect of getting know a woman with kidney failure, or they feighn knowledge of the illness and spout off some inane facts about the disease and dialysis. One man even told me that he knows and understands the plight of dialysis patients because his mom and two siblings have been on dialysis for more than 15 years. And yes, he had a knowledge that rivals that of many patients, but he failed to understand that each person reacts and copes with dialysis differenly. He assumed that my treatments and my abilities to cope would be similar to, if not exactly like, his mother and siblings. I also think that he thought he was telling me what I wanted to hear so that he would have a better chance of sleeping with me(talk about men with one track minds). So I was immediately turned off... well, that and he was not attractive at all! I know that's somewhat vain, but he was not intriguing me intellectually and he was not charismatic, so I had to go to characteristic number three.

People say that I am mean when it comes to men. And I admit that I am in many respects. But I live in a city and come from a neighborhood where you would be hard pressed to find a man who respects women. But my dad, grandad, and great granddad spoiled me rotten, and so I expect the men that I become involved with to be a certain caliber. He doesn't have to be as educated as I am, but he must be intellectual. He has to know how to communicate effectively, and he has to know how to deal with my fluctuations in mood/attitude. And maybe all of this is asking too much, but I figure that life is short and I should, at least, attain all of the things (love, achievements, friendships, etc) that I want in this life. (I think I've been watching a little too much Girlfriends and Sex in the City... when is someone going to come out with a show that deals with the real lives of everyday, working class women who can't afford Prada, Gucci, and Loius Vuitton? I'll be the first to watch that one!)

Ah... I wonder what lessons are in store for me in the relationship department... I must admit that I am a bit afraid of some of those lessons. I mean this past year has been hell on me in the relationship department, which I won't go into! Hopefully it'll get better soon...