Parched...

Today is a dialysis day. I got up at 4 (I was a little late, was supposed to get up at 3:30!). At 4 my ride was outside, so I had to get dressed quickly. It's amazing what a girl can do with a five minute window! Anyway, the State of Tennessee pays a company to transport me to and from dialysis. It's convenient because my blood pressure drops easily and I'd probably have a wreck or something! I ride with two elderly gentlemen. They go to different centers. Today Mr. Ward metioned that he had gained too much fluid since Monday. He said that he had gained about 7 kilos (which approximates to about 14 and a half pounds)! I was amazed that he would allow himself to do that. And I could hear the fluid in lungs. His breathing was labored and heavy. I looked at his face and could tell that he was bloated as a result of the weight gain. (Sometimes you can even hear the rattling of the fluid around the lungs.) But he talked about his weight gain as if it were some type of honor! I don't think he realizes that he is basically drowning himself with the liquid that he is ingesting. He only made it worse when he asked the driver to stop at The Waffle House for breakfast (I must admit that I was a little excited about breakfast though!). So we had breakfast at 4:15 this morning. And I admit that I cheated because I had a BLT (shouldn't really be eating bacon and tomatoes, too much sodium and potassium). But he knew that he had already surpassed the acceptable amount of fluid gain between treatments and he drank more liquids and had a grilled cheese (shouldn't be eating cheese, too much phosphorous) as if none of it mattered.

I get upset at myself when I gain more than two kilos (about four and a half pounds) between treatments. It doesn't happen often, but when it does I can feel it! I get sluggish and dizzy. I have this weird ringing in my ears, it seems to increase when I close my eyes. When I lay down my chest feels so heavy and it hurts to breathe. I have to lay on my side because I feel like I am drowning. My throat becomes restricted and my acid reflux gets worse. And my eyelids turn a deep purple (from all of the toxic buildup in the bloodstream) On those days I am more than happy to for a technician or a nurse to stick me. In fact I welcome it because I know that at the end of the three hour period I will feel more than a hundred percent better. Mr. Ward told me that seven kilos is his normal weight gain between treatments. Our treatments are only a day and a half apart (Monday, Wednesday, Friday for some; Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday for others), except on weekends when we get a full two day break! On weekend the acceptable weight gain increases to somewhere between four and six kilos, depending on your physician. That amazed me. I wondered what his dry weight was (the weight of a dialysis patient after having their blood cleaned. Most people begin to cramp really bad when the machine pulls them equal to or below their dry weight). Then I imagined what it would feel like to walk around with an extra fourteen pounds of fluid on. I am only 102 pounds. That would make me 116 pounds! Hell, I would look good! I'b be sick as hell, but I would look like I did in college! I would be able to fit all of the clothes in my closet! I wouldn't have to shop at specialty stores for my clothes. I wouldn't have to go to the juniors sections when I shop! But I would be sick... my heart would be screaming and I know that my body wouldn't cooperate with me in any shape, form, or fashion. Looking good isn't all it's cracked up to be! I'd much rather be healthy!

In order for the dialysis process to clean your blood properly you have to control your intake of sodium, potassium, and phosphorous. We also have a high protein diet because our kidneys cannot process the protein and it either leaves the body through urination (for those who still have that function) or goes directly into the blood stream, increasing the toxins in the bloodstream (that's why a lot of dialysis patients have dark circles around their eyes, cheeks, and mouth). Knowing that, I try to gain as little weight as possible. I eat fairly healthy (when I am not cheating), and I get out and exercise. I try to follow my doctor's advice as strictly as possible (that way when I do cheat, it isn't as harmful, notice I said as!) I digress... mostly the liquids that we intake (any beverage, broths from fruit, ice, jell-o, and anything else that melts at room temperature) are taken into the bloodstream. The more fluids you intake, the harder the heart has to work to pump blood to the rest of the body and it is forcing the toxins throughout the rest of the body. (As you can see my physicians did a wonderful job of scaring the hell out of me so that I would comply with my diet!) I think a lot of people are upset about the drastic changes (and believe me they are drastic) in their diet and lifestyle and rebel against the "regulations" that have been forced upon them. I was too, but I would much rather have a diet and a lifestyle that sucks than be a ticking time bomb (and that's what a lot of kidney patients are because we have underlying causes that led to the kidney failure such as high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes)! Dialysis makes you so thirsty though, and I can understand why Mr. Ward drinks so much liquid. You get off of the machine feeling dry and emaciated, like a cartoon character. Your skin draws tight and becomes wrinkly. Your mouth feels like cotton. Then you take that first sip of water and it feels great because you can, literally, feel it coursing through your body, rehydrating and regenerating your skin. It's easy to go overboard. I have to freeze whatever I take to dialysis so that I won't drink it all while I am at the center (that took a lot of discipline because I would get mad when there was no liquid). I only allow myself extra liquid if my blood pressure gets low. I don't know what to say about that old man. I think he's just set in his ways and dialysis isn't going to change his lifestyle. It changed mine... though I am still trying to figure if it's for the better.

I am still debating on whether or not I want to get a transplant. (to my friends who are reading this, I apologize! It's a hard decision!) I can't imagine having to take 10-30 pills everyday... steroids, anti-rejection medications, immuno-suppresants, etc. What if the kidney that I am donated is not the best possible match and it fails? What if I immediately reject it? What if the regimen for my Hep C (liver) compromises the kidney after the transplant? What if the kidney stops in the midst of the transplantation? What if my donor reneges on the deal? At least with dialysis I know what to expect and how to handle most aspects of the treatment accordingly. But then again with the transplant I get the eat whatever I want. I miss oranges, mangoes, papaya, greens, orange juice, watermelon, tomatoes, peaches, beans (any kind), deli meats, cheese, ice cream, milk, potatoes (that I don't have to soak for four hours), salsa, mexican food, lasagna, pizza, Wendy's hamburgers and frosties... Wow, it seems a lot worse when I write out some of the things that I not supposed to eat! Too bad I cheated this morning... now I have a two week period to eat healthy! Ah well... se la vie.