I was reading some poetry written by dialysis patients and it made me realize that sometimes people have a tendency to solely focus on certain aspects of dialysis and kidney failure. It is funny that none of them talked about the really bad days, they only focused on the the "good" days they had, the nurses, the patients, etc. Do we, as patients dealing with disease such as kidney failure, cancer, and other terminal illnesses, solely tend to focus on one aspect of dealing with these diseases? Are we programming ourselves to just tell people that we are making it and that things are going ok? It irks me when I read the one sided writings that people offer. For me it's telling people that they will have more "ok" (there are no good days on dialysis) than bad days. It's like giving people only a portion of the emotions and experiences that they will more than likely experience. And that is a pure and total lie! You could walk into a random dialysis center and hear the complete opposite of what some patients are writing. People are pissed off, tired and fatigued, suffering, and trying to figure out in the hell they are going to make in through the next treatment. Yes, there are good days, and there are days when you cope a little better than the last. But that doesn't mean that you have to look at the entire situation with rose colored glasses. Reality is a lot harsher than we like to believe (or deal with) but, it is life and life is downright harsh at times.

I want people to know what I am going through. I want them to experience things through my eyes, through the eyes of an actual dialysis patient. I want people to know that though I am a survivor, I have gone through hell to get where I am, to be able to accept that I will be a kidney patient for the rest of my life, that I feel like I lost two years of my life because I was a dialysis patient. I want people to see the everyday struggles of dialysis patients, not just see the flowery words that some patient, who I feel is somewhat detached from reality, has written to give to the world. I want people to know that anger, frustration, sadness, hopelessness, etc. exist on a daily basis (and that isn't even for terminally ill patients). Some days I wanted nothing more than to pick up that damn machine and throw it across the room... or maybe drive a car through the building, and I let people know that. I also knew that it was something that I needed to sustain my own life. That was my compromise. I came to understand that, and I reached a balance between my emotions and dealing with my illness. I believe that balance is steeped more in reality than anything else. I have learned to roll with the punches and to make the next step accordingly, not to say that other patients have not done this. I just don't think that the negativity that comes with dealing with an illness such as dialysis is something that can be ignored. It's like attempting to ignore the pink and yellow polka dotted elephant in the room. You can't ignore it for too long. I also know and understand that people have different people have extremely different ways of coping with the stresses in life. I don't think I would be the person that I am without having gone through dialysis and now a transplant (yeah, people don't really tell you how hard dealing with a transplant is either). I have realized that I am a lot tougher than I thought I was, and that I have a lot of will power to endure whatever comes my way.

Maybe I just have a lot to learn about how other people deal with certain situations. I mean we all can't be angry and frustrated. So I guess those other patients are merely coping in the manner that is best for them. It's still a little frustrating though. My therapist thinks I should write a book about my experiences as a dialysis patient and now a transplant patient. I thought about it, but I don't really think that's an attainable goal for me. I mean I can tell people about my experiences as a dialysis patient all day long, but to put it in book form is a bit extreme for me. I don't know... she's been telling me that a lot lately... and I think she and my mom have been secretly talking because she has recently been telling me the same thing... hmmm... anyway... it's late and my mom wants to go walking in the morning, so I should try to get some sleep!