Darkness is prevailing

I have seen more doctor's and hospitals than I hav cared to over the past couple of weeks. For the normal person that may be a good thing... my transplant work-up is on schedule and people in my family are deciding who will get tested. All of these things should be great news, but all I want to do is find some hole to crawl into, to block out the world, to figure out how I am supposed to handle all of this! The transplant will save my life, and give me the freedom that I had before I began dialysis. I will, hopefully, be more healthy than I am now, have more energy, be more like the person that I used to be. But do I really want to go back to being that person? The past year and a half has changed me more than all of the phases of growth, development, and learning that I had experienced in the 24 short years that I have been on the planet. (I was 24 when I was diagnosed with kidney failure). I know that I must somehow reconcile the pre-renal failure person with the person I have become. For most people that would not be a difficult thing to do, but that requires a lot of time and energy. Time I have, but energy I lack. I would rather work on starting a business than work on myself. I know its because I have concrete ideas to work with, there are things that I can look and determine whether they are good, bad, will help or hurt others, but when it comes to one's self it is hard to see, with clarity, what makes us who we are. Maybe I am afraid of knowing what makes me me... maybe I am just lazy... who knows. I only know that it is something that I do not want to deal with at the moment. In the meantime, i will focus all of my energy on creating something out of this ordeal that I was somehow thrust into. It requires a lot of thinking that doesn't involve thinking about myself outside of the realm of a renal patient! One day I'll be bathed in light and I won't run away from it!