The transplant list...

Well, I am unoficially on the list. I have one more test to take before they can make it official, so I guess it will become official next Tuesday. I got the call from the transplant clinic and my stomach dropped. It is one of the calls that I had been dreading. It's one thing to go through the testing, but its another to tell the world that you are ready to have someone else's organ transplanted into an already ailing body. After having the testing put on hold for approximately nine months, I have become almost complacent about this entire situation. But this event has made the process that much more real. I will, essentially, be walking around with a part of another human being in my body. It is awe inspiring on one hand, on the other its scary as hell because that person either had to die before I can receive the organ, or it will be from someone close to me. I can't imagine looking at the person for the remainder (however long or short) of our lives and feeling guilty because I am basically taking the "gift" from him/her. And what if that person needs a kidney later in life, what if the kidney that person gave me fails? Will he/she blame me? Will I blame myself? What if I have to go through all of this and the kidney doesn't work? That would break me and I know it! That is the one thing I cannot deal with, going through all of this and the kidney doesn't function properly. Dialysis is hell, but I know what to expect and I know how to manage it... at least to a certain extent. But my life is stagnate and that is the one thing that I cannot stand! I am a fairly well educated young woman, but dialysis makes having a full time job hard because many employers won't work with the schedule that I have. The transplant offers me the freedom that I once had, and Lord knows how much I long for that! And it will also extend my life... (still debating on whether or not that's a pro or con) and give me the opportunity to go chasing after my dreams again. But it's a risk... Now I have to figure out whether or not I am that much of a risk taker to go through with it....