My first dialysis experience

I can't remember ever having visited the dialysis center my grandfather attended. Until March of last year I had never known what exactly dialysis was. And I was somewhat content with that. It didn't affect me, so I really didn't care...

This morning, on my way to dialysis, the driver picked up another woman who attends the first dialysis center that I ever visited. I remember walking into the unassuming building, and thinking it wouldn't be so bad. The building was two stories with white washed brick and a huge loading dock where patients came and went. I ascended the ramp and walked into the building behind a patient going in for a treatment session. As soon as I crossed the threshold, a smell of old ammonia mixed with the smell of sewage and unwashed bodies. The air knocked me back and I choked. I covered my mouth and looked at the man who had walked in before me. He was heading to the back of the cafeteria like waiting room towards a second door. Tears welled up in my eyes and my heart sank. There was no way in hell I could come to a place like this three days a week. My emotions took over for a moment, as I watched the empty space which the older black man had filled. His presence still lingered in the doorway. I quickly reigned in my emotions and followed the path the man had taken. I walked through a second door at the other side of the room, and found myself in a small corridor like area. To my left was a second door with a coded lock on it. There was a small note in the lower right corner of glass window of the door. To my right was a stairwell. I looked towards the remnants of the footsteps on the stairwell. My eyes began to burn again, and I choked against the bile rising in my throat. A figure appeared in the window to my left. I wiped my face a little, and forced a quick smile on my face. The woman was tall, with her blonde hair pulled up into a messy bun. She opened the door and I introduced myself. She told me that she had been expecting me and a few others, and that the kidney education class would begin in a few minutes.

I was the only person that showed up that day. I sat in a small waiting area for an hour watching various videos on renal failure and dialysis. I sat in that room with that smell of ammonia and decay. I felt like the smell seeped into my clothing, into my pores. When I walked out of the center into the bright afternoon air, nothing greeted me but that smell. It lingered in the recesses of my nose. I smelled for the rest of the day. Did all dialysis centers smell like that? Did they all look like the disheveled, unkempt array of chairs and tables that I had seen in the cafeteria/waiting area? I watched as people began to emerge from the recesses of the building as I walked down the ramp. My vision blurred as I walked back to my car. I tried to open the door, but my key missed the lock. I tried again and fumbled with the lock some more. Finally, I got the door open and plopped into the seat. I sat there for a long time and let the tears burn my cheeks and stain my face. I looked at the building again. There was no way in hell I'd be able to do this if the center I went to looked and smelled like this one. It had broken me and I had only been there for about an hour. There was no way I would be able to survive four hour visits, three days a week. It just was not possible.