It's been confirmed...

I slept on it and I have determined that I have been naive and stupid. I guess that I expected a lot more to happen, and in the beginning it seemed like it was going that way. Then I began to shut down completely... then again I sort of knew this would happen from the beginning. I don't like people and when I do, it normally takes a while for me to believe in and trust the person in question. Maybe that is where I went wrong. I took a page out of my friend's book, which is to trust until someone gives you a reason not to. I think that was a mistake. I am too skeptical and jaded to trust people from the beginning. So, it makes sense that the few times I have tried, I have failed miserably. He even told me how closed off I was in the beginning... now that I look back on it, I should have just been the overly skeptical person that I am. True, he probably would not have moved into a zone past that of friend, but that would have been much better. Instead I got stupid and let him in. Now look at me! I don't know which way is up and which is down... I couldn't go in the right direction if I wanted to. And, as we all know, that only leads to a lot if frustration, and in my case a little bitterness. But hey, at least I know now that the whole being open, friendly, and trusting really isn't me... so, I'll just go back to being me. That person with the automatic defense mechanism, who is too self-absorbed to care what the world around her is doing. I much more prefer being guarded and jaded to being hurt. Anyway, I have spent more than enough energy talking about this situation and the stupidity of it. This is the last time I will speak of it (yeah, yeah that'll be hard... like saying she sells sea shells by the sea shore three times fast... I can never quite get that last one out!) Anyway... I feel I have put enough energy into all of this, so I will discontinue giving energy to it... maybe it will die quietly and gracefully.

In other news, I went to see my childhood allergist about my arm (it has been breaking out really bad for the past seven months). I went to a dermatologist who told me that it was for no apparent reason. The allergist looked at me and laughed. He told me everything happens for a reason and confirmed my suspicion that the dermatologist I was referred to is nothing more than a quack. He made me feel very comfortable... until he told me that he thinks I am allergic the the mesh graft that is in my arm. In order to find out, I have to get a piece of the actual tubing that has been inserted in my arm and then he is going to do a patch test on my back... and I am not looking forward to that. If it is the graft that I am allergic to, I can only imagine the misery that I am going to face during the three day patch test. If it isn't the graft, then we go back to square one. But I would rather start over with him than that crazy assed dermatologist that I went to. It's weird, this is probably one of the few issues (health related) that I have some hope in actually alleviating... and right now, that light at the end of the tunnel feeling is really a God send. I feel like I've been locked in the hole, like Andy DuFresne from the Shawshank Redemption and I am innocent too... well not the archetypal scapegoat/christlike innocence that Tim Robbins character plays, but I am medically innocent... if that makes any sense! Anyway... I have to get some GRE studying done! This schedule thing is actually working! So until next time... someone please pray for me!