Just a few things i've been thinking about...
It's 12 in the morning and I am listening to Compay Segundo (a legend in Cuba and a member of the Buena Vista Social Club) sing about "La Negra Tomasa." The song is about how this woman drives this man crazy and how he can't stand to be away from her. I wonder if I will ever have that affect on someone or if someone will have that affect on me... At the rate I'm going, I doubt it...
I see myself retreating back into the comfort and confines of my own being. Maybe I am a coward, but that is where I feel the safest. People can't come in unless I allow them to, I am over-protective of my own feelings and well-being, I am hardened to the outside world and everyone in it. This is where I go to take care of me. I know that there I will do whatever it is that needs to be done, there are no distractions, there is no pain, no what ifs, there is nothing but me and my ambitions to drive me. I can rely on my own actions and words because I know that I will be true to myself, even if no one else is. I don't have to think about all the things that people told me in the heat of some moment, words that will be quickly forgotten once the moment has passed. I don't have to disect what has been said or interpret words. I don't have to wonder about the meaning behind anyone's words. I can simply rely on my actions to add strength to my words. I can feel myself pushing people away. Yes, it is my escape mechanism (and believe me at the moment there is a lot to want to escape), at the same time, I know that this is what I must do in order to keep my sanity and do what I need to do right now. (what in the hell am I listening to? it's a song about chanukka by the hip-hop hoodios, which is a hip-hop jewish band with some latin influence... interesting!)
I think I have essentially become a baby-sitter for him, which is cool because I adore his son. I think the more time I spend with his son, the more attached I become to him. They are going to Boston tomorrow. His dad told me yesterday. I told him to have a safe flight! My mom told me I should have asked what time they were leaving, how long they are staying, and when they are coming back... I figured that if he wanted me to know he would have told me. And this whole thing brings back some things that were said that I don't feel like divulging at the moment. I wonder how they are getting to the airport... hmmm. Not my problem... anyway... My mom told me I was being difficult. I don't see it as being difficult at all. I think it's just that my relationship with him has shifted considerably. Yes, I still have a few issues with that, but I'm dealing with it. And if that means that I have to be a callous bitch about some things, then so be it. I doubt he even acknowledges anything has changed... that's another issue in itself... Maybe I am dealing the wrong sex... KIDDING! Maybe I am too wrapped up in other things to have any relationship with any male whether intimate or platonic. Most men are alike anyway, no matter what race, and believe me I have dated black, white, hispanic (though I have not dated anyone of asian descent...). I run into the same issues no matter what age range, education level, economic status. (Yes, I know some of it is my fault because, as you read above, my default mechanism is to shut down completely.) (I just wanna say that World Music on Link TV is so freakin cool!)
I wonder if I'll talk to him after he comes back... at the rate we're going I don't really see that happening... who knows... Anyway... I am writing all of this and I am half-sleep... Maybe I'll retry explaining myself a little better after I have slept for a while.
I see myself retreating back into the comfort and confines of my own being. Maybe I am a coward, but that is where I feel the safest. People can't come in unless I allow them to, I am over-protective of my own feelings and well-being, I am hardened to the outside world and everyone in it. This is where I go to take care of me. I know that there I will do whatever it is that needs to be done, there are no distractions, there is no pain, no what ifs, there is nothing but me and my ambitions to drive me. I can rely on my own actions and words because I know that I will be true to myself, even if no one else is. I don't have to think about all the things that people told me in the heat of some moment, words that will be quickly forgotten once the moment has passed. I don't have to disect what has been said or interpret words. I don't have to wonder about the meaning behind anyone's words. I can simply rely on my actions to add strength to my words. I can feel myself pushing people away. Yes, it is my escape mechanism (and believe me at the moment there is a lot to want to escape), at the same time, I know that this is what I must do in order to keep my sanity and do what I need to do right now. (what in the hell am I listening to? it's a song about chanukka by the hip-hop hoodios, which is a hip-hop jewish band with some latin influence... interesting!)
I think I have essentially become a baby-sitter for him, which is cool because I adore his son. I think the more time I spend with his son, the more attached I become to him. They are going to Boston tomorrow. His dad told me yesterday. I told him to have a safe flight! My mom told me I should have asked what time they were leaving, how long they are staying, and when they are coming back... I figured that if he wanted me to know he would have told me. And this whole thing brings back some things that were said that I don't feel like divulging at the moment. I wonder how they are getting to the airport... hmmm. Not my problem... anyway... My mom told me I was being difficult. I don't see it as being difficult at all. I think it's just that my relationship with him has shifted considerably. Yes, I still have a few issues with that, but I'm dealing with it. And if that means that I have to be a callous bitch about some things, then so be it. I doubt he even acknowledges anything has changed... that's another issue in itself... Maybe I am dealing the wrong sex... KIDDING! Maybe I am too wrapped up in other things to have any relationship with any male whether intimate or platonic. Most men are alike anyway, no matter what race, and believe me I have dated black, white, hispanic (though I have not dated anyone of asian descent...). I run into the same issues no matter what age range, education level, economic status. (Yes, I know some of it is my fault because, as you read above, my default mechanism is to shut down completely.) (I just wanna say that World Music on Link TV is so freakin cool!)
I wonder if I'll talk to him after he comes back... at the rate we're going I don't really see that happening... who knows... Anyway... I am writing all of this and I am half-sleep... Maybe I'll retry explaining myself a little better after I have slept for a while.
posted by E. Brown @ 10:04 PM
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