I'm getting off of the ride!

Thank God I have learned to let people go... begrudingly of course. May she have more patience, more nerve and courage to deal with him, his needs (and believe me they are many), and the needs of his child. For I have washed my hands of the whole mess... or maybe I have simply given up.... Or is it that I am merely thinking of myself and rebuilding what is left of the barrier that has recently been destroyed? Maybe it is a mix of both. I dare not open the door that will cause more pain to my being. I dare not let him know it. I dare not let him continue to hold the key so that he may open it at will. So, I simply changed to locks and reinforced to door. The next person will have to try three times as hard to get past the outer walls.... Hopefully no one will ever (and yes, with venom I write "ever") breach the walls again. I prefer being alone and solid to being with someone and not knowing what the next hour, day, or week will hold. And to think... three months was all it took! Maybe the myth about the honeymoon being over after three months is true.... Maybe we revel in the novelty and newness of relationships knowing that boredom and predictability will soon follow. This case was no different. I see now that he will be nothing more than one of those friends whom I rarely speak to (maybe once every three or four months even though he lives up the street) and, to tell the truth, my heart does a sort of half flutter. Joy mixed with pain. Joy because I am no longer confusing myself and my feelings with the expectations of what should be. Pain because I know what it will not be, and all of the broken promises that hover above me. And though I have said we would be nothing more than friends in the beginning, there was a sort of attachment that I had not expected. And that was a broken promise in itself because I promised myself that I would not become more than his friend, that I would not become attached to him. So, now I must pry myself away and set myself on course again. I do not want to... part of me want him to fulfill all of the promises that he made. But I know that none of them will ever come to pass. I was much too jaded from the beginning, and am even moreso now. He... he is much to ethereal. He is of a different plane, something airy and light, never lingering in one spot but spreading himself over the whole of one particular area. I am rooted in who I am am and where I am going. I am conscious to the people and things around me. He is flighty and moody, though he is a man. He is indulgent, where I am stingy and meager. Namely in his affections for others and in love to a certain extent. He gives of it freely whereas I wholeheartedly believe that people must prove themselves to earn my love, trust, and respect. Maybe that is in the process of losing what little I had given to him... Or maybe it is just that I am a harsh individual... In any event, I have realized that I am too different from him to be more than a friend, the person he knows that he can turn to when he needs something, to talk to when things are not going they way he planned. I have learned to listen and not judge, to give my opinion and not scold... partly because I am not listening and do not care, partly because he knows the course he must take before he comes to me with these innane speeches about life and what to do in it. I can only lift and eyebrow and ask the questions he has been waiting on... what do you think you should do?... what can you do?... is there anything else you have thought of?... what can I do to help? This last question normally gets a "you've done enough," knowing deep down that he wants more than he has let on to. Maybe, in all of this I have allowed him to drain me in a way that I have let few people... maybe that's it. That I am tired of having the life sucked out of me over his wants, needs, and wishes. And I am more than an idiot for allowing it to go on... Stop allowing people to drain me... I have to add that one to to to-do list... I have no idea how to stop it, but hey, I put up a wall against eveything else, I am pretty damn sure I can plug this leak... once I find it of course! Plug the leak! PLUG the leak! PLUG THE DAMN LEAK!... done deal!

Life sucks sometimes!