have i screwed up?...

ok... so he reads my blog... that surprised me! it's easier to write the things that you feel when you are under the pretense that no one you know is actually reading what you write. i think i hurt his feelings... at least that's the vibe that i am getting. i know he won't come out and tell me whether or not anything that i have written has any affect on him whatsoever. but i know it has... the look on his face said more than he will ever actually tell me, and that hurt more than him not telling me what is on his mind. i never meant to hurt him or anyone for that matter.

I wish that I had the courage to actually tell him all of the things that are on my mind, to sit and talk to him face to face. But I do not, partly because of the scars because that have been left by past relationships. I am a coward. Right now, I have no idea how to feel or what to feel for that matter. I feel empty. I should be happy that he knows, at least, a part of what i am feeling. Instead I am more confused. I feel like he has looked at only the negative and confusing things that I have written, that he hasn't taken into account the praises that I have showered upon him, and believe me there have been many. Maybe he is like me to an extent, and recognizes the confusion that has descended upon our relationship... But I wonder if he appreciates that confusion. Sometimes confusion brings you closer to the thing you want, but most of the time it drives you in an opposite direction. I let confusion get the better of me on many occasions, and this one is no different. Confusion has set in, and I believe it will be with me for a while.

Yes, I realize that I said I would step back and reevaluate my relationship with him. But I know me and I know that I say things to justify the stupid decisions that I make. My words, in no way are set in stone, they are just a guide for me. Apparently he does not understand that... i thought he would have at least known that. I guess not... maybe all of the things that he told me in the beginning were mere words... nothing more, nothing less... simple words. Maybe our words have no significant meaning... they are just things that were said to open air to fill the spaces left between during times of silence... at this point i am shrouded in the chaos of confusion and i do not welcome it...