ah... life... what can i say?...

Ok, so I have calmed down a lot since last night. And I have thought about this entire situation a lot, so much so that I told my mom about it (trust me, when I talk to my mom about anything pertaining to my personal life, it is a very big deal). She always makes me feel better about myself, even when she’s telling me that I am making a stupid decision. She, essentially, told me that we both are being stubborn and that there is something boiling under the surface between the two of us. She said that we should both let go and “let it be” as she puts it. I can’t say that I agree with that line of thinking because I like to be in control of the situations, or potential situations, that I find myself in… I do not feel that I am ready to willingly relinquish control over this part of my life… It is, after all one of the few things that I have to hold on to. Control of my health has long since fallen from my grasp, so the thing that I can actually control is bundled within the smallest confines of my being. My mom said that we are both being stubborn, and I can see that, to a certain extent. At the same time, I doubt that either of us really knows what we want, let alone what the other person wants. Things are so confusing at this point in time. The stubborn part of me says walk away and leave it alone, to just run away like I always do. But most of me says to stay and fight, to at least find out what all of this means to my life… and his. The coward in me keeps whispering run and don’t look back, but the curious part of me says stay, relinquish control and go where God intends me to go. It is telling me to stop fighting and go with the flow.

As for the “friendship” that I have with him, I have come to realize that he is one of the best friends that any woman could have. In the short time that we have known one another, we have been through so many ups and downs. He is one of the first who saw me as a person, even after I informed him of my illness. He checks up on me when I am not feeling well, and I am sure that if he had a means of getting into my apartment, he would make me dinner when I feel too weak to move, let alone make dinner. I am grateful for the love and respect he shows me, but at the same time I am extremely frustrated by him. Some days I do want to banish him into the farthest reaches of my life, reveling in the knowledge that he is still in my life, but not an integral part of it. Other days, I simply love the fact that he is one of the closest people to me. The fact that I am willing to strengthen my friendship with him says a lot. At the first hint of confusion or pain, I run, taking little with me. The only thing I think of is escape. But in this case, escape is not a logical option. And I, for the life of me, cannot figure out why. Though I have written that I will let go, leave it all behind me, I knew when I wrote the words that it would not happen. I knew that I would keep moving in the same manner, going up and down at will, rolling incessantly to some unseen, unknown destination with parts of him in tow. Maybe this is what my mom meant by relinquishing control, that all things in life do not have a predetermined course that you can set for yourself. Maybe she just wants me to understand that life is hard (as if I didn’t know that already) and that relationships of any kind are harder. Maybe she meant that I really should stop running and stand still. My mom and all of her wisdom… she also knows that there is a seventy-five percent chance that I will not listen to a word she has spoken to me on the subject. I am stubborn. I am a jack-ass. I am me after all... and I will heed her advice. I will relinquish control, grudgingly… or should I say I will try to relinquish control. Maybe it will give me more time to focus on the things that I need to be focused on like completing the testing for my transplant and studying for the GRE. At least now I know where I stand on the majority of my health issues. My kidneys still don’t work, but my liver is ok. My hep C viral load is high, which means that I may not be able to clear the virus through the available treatment options. At the same time, I don’t even qualify for the treatment because of the kidney failure, which is ok. It would have only made me sicker. And if I were to undergo treatments after my transplant, I am faced with the possibility of losing bone marrow because of a considerably weakened immune system. Either way, I would, more than likely, end up worse off than I am now. I am strangely at peace with everything that is going on. I know it’s because I have one hell of a strong support system (and yes, he is included in that support system) behind me and a good foundation in Christ. So, for now, I have lightened some of the burden that I carry. I do wonder how all of this will turn out though…