Just some thoughts...
Life is weird... People always tell you to follow your dreams, but they only lead you to believe that the outcome of following that dream is what really matters. People don't tell you that your road (or roads) may not even lead to the dream that you have your mind set on or that they twist and turn precipitously. Maybe we as humans have an inherent need to believe in the goodness that is in life, that no matter what we go through all of it will lead to this point of living nirvana while we are living. But I think this forces us to turn a blind eye to the reality that is life. Life can suck, it can be pure hell at times! And when we are forced to deal with the bad that comes with life, we are ill-equipped to handle it because we have always been taught to focus on the end of the road, to keep our minds staid on the outcome that will, hopefully, bring happiness and peace to whatever meaning our lives have.
Yes, people, at times, are taught to face adversity head on, but no one knows how they will face it until they have some hardship to face. I have watched people cry and give up in the face of adversity. I have also watched people become trapped in the endless cycle that some unseen force has created in their lives. Those are the easiest things to do when life gets hard: give up and wallow in the hell that has come to surround your life. In all of the lessons that we have learned over the course of our lives, we are not taught to overcome. It is something that is inherent in our wills as humans, and it becomes stronger as we walk whatever road we have chosen to pursue. My mom always tells me to "go to your destiny." These four words have guided me through failure from law school, terminal illness, and now a transplantation. But she never made me feel that my road would be easy. She started telling me that in college, and she gave me a card and a smooth, shiny onxy rock. The card essesntially said that all rocks start out rough and mishapen, but as they move with the current of the stream (life, I am assuming) and rub and bump against other rocks and sediment that it will become smoother and smoother over time. So that has been my understanding of a lot of things in life, that things will be rough but they will help shape who I am in the end. Nothing made me realize that more than becoming a dialysis patient.
In the past three years my life has changed dramatically. I have spent two years on dialysis, and a year recovering from failing from law school. I have watched my friends and family succeed at everything that they have attempted. It was like they had the Midas touch, but everything that I did or thought of turned to ash in my hands. Needless to say, frustration began to rule every aspect of my life. It took me a year and a half to overcome the fact that I had literally failed out of school and was dealing with my failing health. I was winded for a long time, so I just withdrew into myself. I think watching and listening to other dialysis patients and dealing with some of the ignorant staff members of my dialysis center made me realize that life is way to short to wallow in the mess that had become my life. I had two choices: wallow in it like many of the patients at my center; or, find myself and figure out what road I really wanted to take in life. The latter required a serious and quite thorough evaluation of both myself and my life. So, with the help of a wonderful therapist I was able to figure out what I really wanted to do with my life, while at the same time learning to come to grips with the fact that I was a dialysis patient (now a transplant recipient) and knowing that it is something that I will have to deal with for the remainder of my life. I think this helped me reach a point which helped me transcend being a dialysis patient. It made me realize that I was still a person, even though I had to explain my situation to most of the people that I met, and though I had to go to dialysis three days a week (and it kicked my butt more often than not) I could still achieve whatever goals I had set for myself, I could still travel whatever road I wanted. It would just take me a little longer to reach my destination. It may take me the next few years to get a MA, but at least I'll do it.
All of this makes me wonder if other people, no matter what they are going through, have gone through such transformations... Hmm... I guess I'll talk to other people about their experiences... In other news... there is no other news! I'm tired... I'll keep you informed as things progress. I have to go find scholarships for graduate school, which is a pain in the butt! Maybe I should be like the lady on the internet and beg people for money to help pay for school... I think I really could set up a fundraising campaign to help pay for everything... Hmmm... I wonder if that will actually work... I guess we'll find out... Until next time....
Yes, people, at times, are taught to face adversity head on, but no one knows how they will face it until they have some hardship to face. I have watched people cry and give up in the face of adversity. I have also watched people become trapped in the endless cycle that some unseen force has created in their lives. Those are the easiest things to do when life gets hard: give up and wallow in the hell that has come to surround your life. In all of the lessons that we have learned over the course of our lives, we are not taught to overcome. It is something that is inherent in our wills as humans, and it becomes stronger as we walk whatever road we have chosen to pursue. My mom always tells me to "go to your destiny." These four words have guided me through failure from law school, terminal illness, and now a transplantation. But she never made me feel that my road would be easy. She started telling me that in college, and she gave me a card and a smooth, shiny onxy rock. The card essesntially said that all rocks start out rough and mishapen, but as they move with the current of the stream (life, I am assuming) and rub and bump against other rocks and sediment that it will become smoother and smoother over time. So that has been my understanding of a lot of things in life, that things will be rough but they will help shape who I am in the end. Nothing made me realize that more than becoming a dialysis patient.
In the past three years my life has changed dramatically. I have spent two years on dialysis, and a year recovering from failing from law school. I have watched my friends and family succeed at everything that they have attempted. It was like they had the Midas touch, but everything that I did or thought of turned to ash in my hands. Needless to say, frustration began to rule every aspect of my life. It took me a year and a half to overcome the fact that I had literally failed out of school and was dealing with my failing health. I was winded for a long time, so I just withdrew into myself. I think watching and listening to other dialysis patients and dealing with some of the ignorant staff members of my dialysis center made me realize that life is way to short to wallow in the mess that had become my life. I had two choices: wallow in it like many of the patients at my center; or, find myself and figure out what road I really wanted to take in life. The latter required a serious and quite thorough evaluation of both myself and my life. So, with the help of a wonderful therapist I was able to figure out what I really wanted to do with my life, while at the same time learning to come to grips with the fact that I was a dialysis patient (now a transplant recipient) and knowing that it is something that I will have to deal with for the remainder of my life. I think this helped me reach a point which helped me transcend being a dialysis patient. It made me realize that I was still a person, even though I had to explain my situation to most of the people that I met, and though I had to go to dialysis three days a week (and it kicked my butt more often than not) I could still achieve whatever goals I had set for myself, I could still travel whatever road I wanted. It would just take me a little longer to reach my destination. It may take me the next few years to get a MA, but at least I'll do it.
All of this makes me wonder if other people, no matter what they are going through, have gone through such transformations... Hmm... I guess I'll talk to other people about their experiences... In other news... there is no other news! I'm tired... I'll keep you informed as things progress. I have to go find scholarships for graduate school, which is a pain in the butt! Maybe I should be like the lady on the internet and beg people for money to help pay for school... I think I really could set up a fundraising campaign to help pay for everything... Hmmm... I wonder if that will actually work... I guess we'll find out... Until next time....
posted by E. Brown @ 10:04 PM
1 Comments:
At 6:03 PM,
lysurgis23 said…
G'day E
Regarding your comments re "failure". Its certainly something to grapple with. Americans, I undertand, are enculturated to be go-getters and be successful at everything. Coupled with this is the sneaky thought lurkin g at the back of one's head that if you weren't spending your limited energy on dealing with your illness, you could instead be dealing with a successful career / course of study / whatever.
I wrecked my previous career because my energy was going on dialysis, plus I probably did not manage the best exit possible (plus my field was small, with a lot of dreadful gossips). For a long time i agonised and beat myself up on this - what if this, what if that, &c.
But then I (eventually!) thought of the positives - a new career ($$$ support from my lovely and patien t wife) which I really love (I' m sorry I'm a late starter in adult education, bu t paradoxically before now i doubt i would have been mature enough for this), the support of a lovely spouse plus that of true friends, and the chance to put my newly-restored energy to good use.
So don't worry about failure. Its God opening a window when He shuts a door.
One thing that took a bit of getting used to - - all the books i read about people who had renal transplants put across the idea that they were almost leaping out of bed and running 4-minute miles 2 days after the event. NOT TRUE!!! It took me a good 6 months to recover properly (and about 12 months before the numbness in my right leg finally went), and everyone is different. I became quite anxious about this, thinking there was something wrong with me. But not so! We're all different.
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