Light, Love and Chaos

I have realized that I have come a long way since failing my first year of law school and being diagnosed with kidney disease and hepatitis C. And even though I have made a lot of progress in dealing with all of these things, I still have an inherent fear of failure, simply because I still have the wounds from the first major failure in my life. I can fail at relationships all day long, but when it comes to my career, I have little tolerance for failure. I have had to realize that all of my endeavors have not been ordained by God, and so there are times when I will fail miserably. What matters is how I pick myself up after that failure.

The failure from law school is still so fresh and raw for me. I was broken, physically, metally, emotionally. I had been sucked into some black hole filled with pure and utter chaos. I had no foundation beneath me. I was in some type suspended animation but I was awake. I was moving through shadows, everything in my life was a dark, murky and hazy gray. I was breathing, but the breaths were suffocating me at the same time. There was nothing. Soon time and space began to literally disappear as days and nights began to merge into one another. Time meant nothing. Darkness and chaos filled every pore of my body and began to emanate from within my being. Chaos seemed to rule me, guide my actions and reactions in life.

At times it felt like the darkeness washed over me in waves. I could feel the waves crashing against my body, knocking me down, dragging me under the forceful waves. Each time I make some progress towards the shore, rogue waves appeared and knocked the breath out of me, stopping me dead in my tracks. Not only did I have to fight my way to solid ground, I would have to fight against the force of the chaos the waves brought with them. I am at that point again in my life, but this time, it seems that I am better equipped to handle the rogue waves and the fact that I am still searcing for solid footing. It's as if God has lit the small light in the top on some distant lighthouse guiding me in the right direction, allowing me to walk along sandbars under the shining light of a full moon. The sky is lit beautifully, the lighthouse is guiding me on the right direction, and though the waves are chaotic and forcecul, I am at peace knowing that God is guiding my path.

In all that have gone and will go through, I have a strange sense of peace about life at the moment. I am making decisions that will help me and others being directly influenced by renal failure and dialysis. I am going into business with two people that I trust with my life. I know they will keep me on the right path and keep me focused. I am blessed to have such people in my life. I am blessed to know that God has been walking with me (and at sometimes has carried me through my darkest times). I am at peace with many things that are going on in my life...