What the hell...

Ok... I admit there are some people in my life who need a reality check (and I am speaking of one in particular) and I know that I promised to to waste any more energy on analyzing and disecting the relationship I have with him, but he did some shit last night that just made my mouth drop with the "no the fuck he didn't" look on my face!

He sent me a text message saying hi, which isn't unusual. He'll send one every few days. But he followed the "hi" up with a message basically asking me to give him some. He didn't ask how my day was, he didn't ask how I was doing, he didn't ask about anything pertaining to me or my life! He just asked to sleep with me! What is that about? We have not had an in depth conversation in over two weeks (and text messaging does not count as an in depth conversation in my book)! Yet, he thinks that it is acceptable to ask me that out of the blue! So I sent him a message back saying that he had the wrong person. All he said was "oh aight, I C." But he doesn't at all. I am sure that at some point I would have been ok with that, but that whole friends with benefits thing got really old really quickly! So, I nipped and tucked it. And I told him that we would just be friends, but I don't think he believed me. So, I added a few actions with that, like not hugging him... or rarely touching him for that matter! All of this has been going on for a while, and I thought that he got the message because he started messing around with someone else. Apparently, I was wrong!

The fact that he would even ask me that just lets me know that he lied. That all of the things that he told me when we first met was just that... a bunch of crap. I am nothing more than a piece of meat (maybe I really should become a vegetarian!). He has no respect for me or my feelings. I was nothing more than a plaything for him. And yes, it is partly my fault cause I fell for a lot of his charms (me being the naive, idealistic, and optimistic person that I am) and I let some things go on that I should not have (like sleeping with him in the first place). To tell the truth, I didn't think it would end up like this when we first met. He seemed so different, I mean he actually listened when I spoke, and we talked a lot. Those were wonderful days, and it let me know that yes, there are men out there who listen, who make you feel warm and gentle inside even when the world around you is steeped in utter chaos. There are a lot of good qualities about him that I will look for in the next relationship that I have. But, in the end, he proved me wrong. He proved that no matter what you look for and find, that men are the same. I don't think he'll ever know how much he let me down last night. In the end, I guess it was time for me to take off my rose colored glasses and see him for who and what he really is.

And to think... all I wanted in the beginning was a friend. So now, I am left to wonder whether or not he will respond to my simply asking to be his friend or whether he will write me off completely. Either way, I know that I am a stronger person for responding in the manner that I did. I don't want to be an afterthought for any one. I have been that, and it is brutal. Now I can read the signs and take pre-emptive actions to avoid such relationship pitfalls. Either way it still kind of hurts because you want people to think of you as the person you are (me: I am giving, caring, a little erratic at times but intelligent and knowledgeable, I am passionate about a lot of things in this life) not as some plaything who'll jump at his or her every beck and call. I am all of these things, and I don't think he ever really noticed my qualities and if he did then he probably didn't care enough to take them into consideration. I am, after all human, and a woman at that. I am ruled by emotion and insensitivity is one of the cruelest! Ha... I promised myself I wouldn't cry over any of this... shattered that one...