Get over it already

I look at my mom and think of how much a coward I am. She has gone through two open heart surgeries, back surgery, chemotherapy treatments, not to mention being a mother, wife, and having a full time job and I have never heard her complain about anything. I lie in bed at night and pray wholeheartedly that I can be like her. I know there have been times when she didn't want to get out of bed, but she did it without a word. She surrounds herself with people and does any and everything to help others. She doesn't ask for help or anything in return.

I, on the other hand, seem to get stuck in depressive ruts (no, you can't just get over it, it is depression after all!). I push people away because I fear that getting too close will only bring pain, frustration, and grief, but pushing people away breeds the same emotional backdraft. I let fear rule many aspects of my life. It consumes me. I think the only trait of hers that I have is helping people without the expectation of anything in return... but that comes and goes. One month I may be very helpful, the next I just want to get away from people. And to think... I thought I had garnered some control over my depression, but I guess not. My therapist mentioned the possibility of prescribing anti-depressants, but I quickly dismissed that. That's for crazy people, for people who have no control over themselves and their emotions. I am beginning to realize that was an irrational and stupid decision. Maybe that would be a safe alternative. Maybe it would give me some emotional continuity... Maybe I'll be better able to deal with all of the things that are going on in my life at the moment, give the the strength and the will to quit messing around and achieve my goals, make me a better, more trusting, caring individual. I know, I know... they're only pills, but hell if they can offer some sort of balance right now, I'm all for it.

:) All of this lets me see firsthand how flawed and fragile I really am. My mom tells me everyday that she sees me becoming stronger and stronger, but a lot of the times I don't see it as strength. I am just trying to survive and keep what little sanity God has bestowed upon me. Yes, I can get so low that I don't want to see the light of day, but I also know that when I get to that point I need some serious help. I am glad that I am not one to give up and let things go on in a certain manner (I think I get that from her too), that I know there are resources that I can turn to when I need help... and right now I need it more than anything!

... maybe anti-depressants won't be so bad...