Somebody help me... I'm falling...
The past few weeks have been like riding a supercoaster! I have been up and down at heights and depths that will either give you nosebleeds or make you pass out.... Needless to say, I have been having a hard time lately. Not only is dialysis kicking my butt, but I seem to keep getting myself in situations that are not healthy for my well-being. I have come to realize that I am a very giving person and that many people will take advantage of my generosity. The fact that I'm 26 years old and I only recently figured this out should say a lot about me and my naivete when it comes to others, especially men. Yes, I am naive and stupid because I choose to search for the good in people, even when my mind and gut are both screaming "NO!" and waving huge red banners (because flags would not serve a purpose in putting on my guard). But I keep on going down the yellow brick road like Dorothy, knowing that danger lurks just around the corner.... Maybe I should be like her and kill a witch and take her shoes... wonder where that would get me in life.... Probably not far, I mean Dorothy did have to "travel" to a fantasy land to find out what was important to her, and it ended up being all in her head. What in the hell is my life coming to?!
I decided that I am going to grad school to get my PhD and that beginning a relationship with anyone would be utterly ridiculous. Why are people telling me that I need to start a relationship with a guy who is a good friend (yes, there are some "perks" to this friendship... well there were until his son asked me if he could call me "mommy!" I immediately did a 360 and started running the opposite direction). He is a great person, a little needy at times which is a bit annoying, but a wonderful person nonetheless. We spent a lot of time together and so I think we were becoming a bit attached, so I made a conscious decision to take a few steps back and redefine the relationship that I have with him. Now I am in the process of redefining my "friendship" with him, and I really have no idea how to actually redefine it. I realized that most of the relationships that I have had with men were undefined, abysmal, chaotic concoctions of unrequited emotions, pent up feelings, and every other bad emotion that comes with not knowing what the hell you're doing or want from certain relationships. I realized that I have no idea what the hell I am doing when it comes to any relationship involving a man. So, I am a loss as to what, exactly, I should do in this case.
At the same time, I realized that I don't really care what happens to my relationship with him. People come in and out of my life, and most of them I don't keep in contact with. People are like zephyrs (GRE word!), they come and go like a light, playful breeze, leaving unseen impacts on my life. And you know, I like it like that. I don't have to relive a lot of the crap that I went through with a particular person, I just have some great remembrances about the things that I did with that person. Of course, the lessons that I learn from each relationship are somewhere in the back of my mind replaying on a loop, reminding me of the pain inflicted upon me or by me... All of this should make me a less naive person... well damn... I guess that says a lot about me and my stubborness. Ah well... these are my songs in the key of life. All of this said, I still have no idea how to approach this subject with him... How do men react to such things? We've been through a lot in the few months that we've known one another (mostly because I am a dialysis patient), and I am sure that he'll understand how I feel... at least I hope.
Life has been comical over the past few months. I feel like I have become a stronger person, but I still make some of the stupidest decisions! And maybe that is a part of growing into who you are. I just know that I am unsure about a lot of things right now, partly because I allowed myself to get caught up in yet another relationship/friendship. I have come to realize that I allow men to distract me, hence, stepping back from my new "friend." At this point, it feels like a great decision because it is one that will better me. Maybe I'll feel something different at a later point in time... maybe not. Who knows... who cares. I have to stop make stupid decisions based on the things that I would like to have in my life. I mean, I did go two years without letting anyone in... and I cannot, to this day figure out how and why I let him in so quickly. I am one who has a hard time trusting (but I am naive at the same time, I know, I know it's a conundrum... an oxymoron of sorts. What can I say, I am only human) people, especially men. And it feels like he had a passcode for the drawbridge to the huge stone castle that I built around me... I'm still trying to figure out how he got over the moat, because knowing me it was filled with reptiles and bacteria and other organisms of the worst kind.... And though he has entered the castle and looked around, I am still somewhat guarded with him... maybe this is the reason I have the ability to step back and examine where we are. It's different because he came to me and I have a home court advantage.... In the other relationships, I left the sanctity of my castle and ventured out into the unknown... which I now realize was a huge mistake. But that's a topic for another day. Anyway... I have to prepare myself for a long, awkward talk with him... this should be quite interesting, to say the least....
I decided that I am going to grad school to get my PhD and that beginning a relationship with anyone would be utterly ridiculous. Why are people telling me that I need to start a relationship with a guy who is a good friend (yes, there are some "perks" to this friendship... well there were until his son asked me if he could call me "mommy!" I immediately did a 360 and started running the opposite direction). He is a great person, a little needy at times which is a bit annoying, but a wonderful person nonetheless. We spent a lot of time together and so I think we were becoming a bit attached, so I made a conscious decision to take a few steps back and redefine the relationship that I have with him. Now I am in the process of redefining my "friendship" with him, and I really have no idea how to actually redefine it. I realized that most of the relationships that I have had with men were undefined, abysmal, chaotic concoctions of unrequited emotions, pent up feelings, and every other bad emotion that comes with not knowing what the hell you're doing or want from certain relationships. I realized that I have no idea what the hell I am doing when it comes to any relationship involving a man. So, I am a loss as to what, exactly, I should do in this case.
At the same time, I realized that I don't really care what happens to my relationship with him. People come in and out of my life, and most of them I don't keep in contact with. People are like zephyrs (GRE word!), they come and go like a light, playful breeze, leaving unseen impacts on my life. And you know, I like it like that. I don't have to relive a lot of the crap that I went through with a particular person, I just have some great remembrances about the things that I did with that person. Of course, the lessons that I learn from each relationship are somewhere in the back of my mind replaying on a loop, reminding me of the pain inflicted upon me or by me... All of this should make me a less naive person... well damn... I guess that says a lot about me and my stubborness. Ah well... these are my songs in the key of life. All of this said, I still have no idea how to approach this subject with him... How do men react to such things? We've been through a lot in the few months that we've known one another (mostly because I am a dialysis patient), and I am sure that he'll understand how I feel... at least I hope.
Life has been comical over the past few months. I feel like I have become a stronger person, but I still make some of the stupidest decisions! And maybe that is a part of growing into who you are. I just know that I am unsure about a lot of things right now, partly because I allowed myself to get caught up in yet another relationship/friendship. I have come to realize that I allow men to distract me, hence, stepping back from my new "friend." At this point, it feels like a great decision because it is one that will better me. Maybe I'll feel something different at a later point in time... maybe not. Who knows... who cares. I have to stop make stupid decisions based on the things that I would like to have in my life. I mean, I did go two years without letting anyone in... and I cannot, to this day figure out how and why I let him in so quickly. I am one who has a hard time trusting (but I am naive at the same time, I know, I know it's a conundrum... an oxymoron of sorts. What can I say, I am only human) people, especially men. And it feels like he had a passcode for the drawbridge to the huge stone castle that I built around me... I'm still trying to figure out how he got over the moat, because knowing me it was filled with reptiles and bacteria and other organisms of the worst kind.... And though he has entered the castle and looked around, I am still somewhat guarded with him... maybe this is the reason I have the ability to step back and examine where we are. It's different because he came to me and I have a home court advantage.... In the other relationships, I left the sanctity of my castle and ventured out into the unknown... which I now realize was a huge mistake. But that's a topic for another day. Anyway... I have to prepare myself for a long, awkward talk with him... this should be quite interesting, to say the least....
posted by E. Brown @ 9:19 AM
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